Marriage Counseling a la Christy

Ok, I am probably not the most qualified person to dispense marital advice. I have been married and divorced twice.... but I have probably seen every marriage counselor (Christian and secular) in NorthEast Alabama, so hopefully some of that has rubbed off.....


I have had several people approach me for marital advice lately. I have also offered unsolicited advice to one particular husband! I have come to realize through these seven hurting marriages this week (and my own previous 2) that there are some fundamental, basic truths about marriage.

Wives - your husbands CANNOT control what their mothers, sisters or anyone else say about you. They cannot force them to behave or to treat you nicely.
Husbands - you CAN however change YOUR reaction to the way your family treats your wife. You can also allow your wife to remove herself from situations without the emotional blackmail.
I can almost assure you that the discussion about an event will be completely different if women would realize that men cannot "make" their families play nice and men would realize that they can (and should) simply stand up for their wives.

Husbands - women who are single sometimes troll churches seeking good Christian men - most of whom are still married. Sorry, but if your wife says someone seems to be after you - you need to put up some boundaries or hedges and listen to your wife. Women are more intuitive about this than you guys are - just the way we are made!
Wives - look at the reasons your husband could be swayed. Is he needing more attention from you? Who is the most important person in your marriage - if you answer ANYONE other than God or your spouse, you are looking in the wrong place. My pastor put it best - there is only room for 3 people in that wedding ring of yours - you, your spouse & God!!!!
I am happy to report that this one seemed to be an easy fix - wife talked to husband - husband told wife he liked the attention and that wife was not spontaneous or fun anymore. Wife planned surprise weekend getaway (with some help from friends). After the weekend, they talked more honestly about setting some boundaries with others. (Recommended book: Hedges by Jenkins - I think it is now published under the name Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect it)

People sometimes say that money or the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. I think that trying to have it all may be the root of all evil. Money issues are horrible and at this time in this economy, they can be devastating. I have not actually done Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, but I know lots of people who love it. I do know that living above your means will catch up to you eventually. Set a budget - start with tithe, savings and then bills....THEN "extras" - those extras we all think we are entitled to. Those are the things that eat away your peace bit by bit....I am not perfect in this area at all, but the kids and I are not lacking anything. We live on one PART-TIME income and I have no credit cards. I am building up my savings now. I cannot tell you the amount of stress that was relieved just by getting rid of the debt. So marriage advice related to money....hmm, sit down together, list everything you owe, everything you pay each month for every single category. Make some goals together & then create a budget together. If you are in agreement (or make compromises), both parties are more likely to stick to it.

Fertility issues are killer. I don't even know what to say about this other than love each other. You are both hurting. Just love each other and when people say stupid crap, tell them that they are saying stupid crap. Maybe one day those people will learn to mind their own business.
Side note to other folks: Don't ask childless couples when they plan to have babies. Don't ask people with one kid when they plan to have another. Don't ask why they don't adopt. Don't ask why people did adopt. Don't ask if they know what causes that if you see a large family.....
Pretty much mind your own business when it comes to fertility and family planning - even if it is "family." Really. I would not steer you wrong. Keep your trap shut unless the person opens the conversation!

While we are on the subject of kids....WOW - umm, how to say this....
OK, your kids are going to grow up and leave you and hopefully cleave to their spouse someday. So, why on earth are you letting your kids come between you and your spouse? Get on the same page about discipline and everything else. Your spouse is your priority (again - do as I say, not as I did - remember I am divorced) - you need to make a date once a week preferably, once a month at an absolute minimum to really connect with each other - find a hobby you both enjoy or something. Do not undermine your spouse in front of your kids either. Don't ever allow the kids to play you against each other.

Finally - the sticky ones -
Infidelity, porn, emotional affairs, etc, - basically anytime you are going outside the marriage to get a need met, you are destroying the core of your marriage. Men - you are devastating your wife - killing her soul. Women - you are in essence castrating your husband. Your spouse should be your best friend - your confidante - your lover - your partner.....
Learn, recognize & speak your spouse's love language. Show love in their language - not your own. Meet your spouse's needs first without expecting anything in return. I can almost guarantee you if this is done, your spouse will learn, recognize & speak your love language and will meet your needs. The goal is not to "get" though - the goal is to give and to show love to your spouse. Read The Five Love Languages. If you want help with intimacy (sexual and non-sexual), try TheMarriageBed.com message boards - completely Christian based - you can even choose what sections you see & don't depending on your level of comfort.
AND remember - if you are not meeting your spouse's needs, they may find someone who will.

Divorce sucks - it is tough on the kids, the couple who is divorcing, their friends, their families and our society as a whole. It is expensive and for now, it is way too easy to obtain. People think it is an easy out of a bad situation - when really, it is the hardest out I have ever seen. The hard thing, which ends up being the easiest really, if you think about it - is staying in, fighting for your marriage - even if it means stepping outside your comfort zone!

Please let's all pray for the restoration of the 7 marriages I have been concerned with and praying for this week. I would also like to pray for the strengthening of all the marriages in my family, my church & my community.

Rock on!

I always knew that the Gadsden/Etowah County area was laid back, but man, I did not realize how laid back until I went to this concert tonight. Ok, so it was Sister Hazel, but I love them, I think. Well, I knew a few of their songs - mostly because I downloaded 'em on my Zune last week.... I did remember one from high school or maybe it was college, but it is a cool song.

ANYWAY, so everyone sat down the entire time - through both acts..... there were a few brave souls hanging at the front near the stage, but all the rest of us were sitting on our behinds at tables where servers were coming around picking up our trash & bringing us drinks....

Rock on!

It was kind of surreal, though, because I don't think I have ever sat down at a concert EVER....not even for a minute....well, maybe during an opening act, but I don't think so.....

DUH!

My adorable, sweet, precious 5 year old has a new favorite word. "Duh"

It is driving me absolutely nuts - I could not figure out where she learned it. Well, until I was talking to my 14 year old's dad one night and caught myself saying it about 8 times.

Hmm, now I think it is cute......

So this morning my son missed the bus....

So this morning, my son missed the bus. Not a major catastrophe since his school is across the street from my daughter's school and I take her anyway, BUT it does lead to some hilarity.....

So the 5 year old says, "Brother, why did you miss the bus?"
14 year old answers, "Mom didn't wake me up in time."
5 year old - "Umm, that's not her job - don't you have an alarm clock!"
14 year old - to me - "How much do you pay her to make me crazy?"

Maybe you just have to know my kids.....