It's a Bouncing Baby GIRL this time..............

7 years ago today, I don't know what I was doing. But somewhere across town here in a hospital, a baby was being born.

These pictures are from the 2nd & 3rd days we ever met her, and then one from just 2 short months later on her first trip to the beach.



Today, that "baby" woke me at 3 am to ask me if she was 7 years old yet. And then she asked me where her presents were.

She is my daughter in ways that I never imagined when we talked about adoption. She is such a little mini-me in so many ways.

She is the most precious gift God has ever given me. She has taught me so much about life, about death and about living for the moment. We have always known she may not live to be an adult and often we have been told she may not live another day or another hour. God performs miracles every day and now when we see those same specialists, they shake their heads and admit that she actually might *gasp* live.......... It is awesome.

10 Years Ago Today

On December 21, 2000, I woke up knowing that my marriage was over and that we were finally going to actually file for divorce.

I woke George and told him.

He was not happy about it and tried to talk me out of it, but I was 28 years old and stubborn. I had had enough.

We decided to wait until after the holidays to tell anyone. He later said that that was because he was sure it was just the stress of the holidays, just another argument - we had been doing this song and dance for a long time - and that I would change my mind.

I didn't.


I don't talk much about my marriage to George. Probably because I am ashamed of the way I treated him. I was not abusive or angry or anything like that - just I had no respect for him and he knew that.

I do now. It has to be hard to raise your only child from the outside. Part of that has been his decision - he chose to disconnect from Hunter many years ago. He is trying harder now to be more involved and to be a good father.


I sometimes regret the decision to divorce George honestly. But mostly because I wish I could have given Hunter a different childhood.

Then I remember that I would not be Kaileigh's mommy if I had not divorced George. He would not agree to have any more children at all - much less adopt a child.

And that is what reminds me that it was the right decision.

Jeremy Camp - Walk By Faith

I may be broken, but God will heal me. God will heal my brokenness.

What Kind of Fool Do You Take Me For?????

I know I have been a fool in the past.  I know that I am still struggling with brokenness.

But really..... what kind of fool do you take me for???????

My ex-husband wants to "work things out"............

Again...............

Ummmmmm..........

Hmmmmmm..........

My feelings on this have not changed.

I stood for my marriage for 10 years (even after our divorce).  I dragged him kicking and screaming to every counselor under the sun.  I have alienated family and friends in reconciliation attempts where my BFF says "CHRISTY - NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!  Do you not remember last time?????"  Where I am broken and numb and dead inside.  I have to answer to people who say "WHY on earth would you put yourself through that again?"


I have prayed that God restore and heal this man.

I have prayed that God restore and heal our relationship.

I have prayed that God release me from my vows.

I have even prayed that God strike him dead.


So far - nothing.......


Every time I get my feet under me..... here he comes again....... and knocks them out again.......

Why is that?

And why do I allow that?

And at what point do I just shoot him and be done with it?

Einstein says the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.......

I know it is insanity to think David is ever going to change.

But is it insanity to hope that he has? Or to hope that he will?


Aren't all things possible through God's grace? 

Now I am NOT saying that this is even a remote possibility at this exact moment in time.  I am still raw and angry from the most recent "revelations".......

I'm just thinking "out loud"...............

Healing - Slowly

I have been reading and praying this week more than I have in a while.  I have been trying to come to grips with everything.

I ran across this verse in a book about hope:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.~Psalm 34:18

And I thought - yes, I am broken, yes I am crushed.

But then I realized that I am broken and crushed because I have chosen to be.  I am out of this situation and should be praising God for bringing me out of that hellatious marriage.  I should be praising God for showing me the truth.  I should be praising God for protecting me and my children from that.

Instead, I have been wallowing in my embarrassment and my shame that I had been fooled.  Well, hello, chickie-loo, this is lie 999,999,999,999 - seriously, at this point, what is one more?  I have known for years that he is a liar - why have I let these last revelations break me? 

I went to my Bible and read the rest of the passage:

The LORD is there to rescue all who are discouraged and have given up hope. The LORD's people may suffer a lot, but he will always bring them safely through. Not one of their bones will ever be broken. Wicked people are killed by their own evil deeds, and if you hate God's people you will be punished. The LORD saves the lives of his servants. Run to him for protection, and you won't be punished.   ~ Psalm 34:18-22 (CEV)

If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath. Disciples so often get in trouble; still, God is there every time.  He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone; not even a finger gets broken.  The wicked commit slow suicide; they waste their lives hating the good.  God pays for each slave's freedom; no one who runs to him loses out. ~ Psalm 34:18-22 (The Message)


It will still take time, but I am putting boundaries in place.  I am not going to allow anyone else to tell me anything else unless it impacts the health & well-being of my child NOW.  I am not listening to anything he says, for sure.  I *will* however buy him a one-way plane ticket to wherever he wants to go :)

Broken

I have always been painfully honest on this blog.... I want to continue that.  I have opened this back up, so basically anyone on the internet can read it and so I deleted some past posts and I said I was not going to write such personal things anymore. 

But I lied.

I am broken.

I am horribly, terribly broken.

In the last 3 weeks, I have just been broken.

I have been divorced for 2 years.  I know my ex-husband was a horrible, terrible ass.  I know that he was abusive and angry and sick.  I know that he had issues - too many to name here.  And I know that I am better off.

I found out 3 weeks ago yesterday that my ex-husband had stolen a bottle of a controlled substance.

And that DEVASTATED me.  And ANGERED me. And TERRIFIED me.

In the last 3 weeks, I have also been told about issues that occurred both during our marriage and after our divorce. These are not the gossipers - none of this was brought up in a "Well, you know, David did......." kind of way.  None of this was intended to hurt me.  I know this because I know these people.  I love these people.

These were things that they assumed I already knew, and in most cases, they were things I had at least suspected.  But now I have confirmation.

You would think that would make it easier.  Easier to say "OK, I am done. I am so glad we are finished."

But it doesn't.

Yes, there are days when I hate him.  There are days when I fantasize about his bloody, gory death.

But then I realize, this man has been in my life since I was 12 years old.  He was there when my first "real" boyfriend broke my heart.  I was there when his first "real" girlfriend died.  We comforted each other when a dear friend took his own life.  We went through multiple miscarriages and loss of foster children together.  We went through a devastating job loss. We adopted a beautiful, precious child.  We made a difference in the lives of over 100 children during our time as foster parents and house parents. We were lovers, best friends and family.

So it breaks me all over again to know that everything we shared through all those years was a lie. 

I know, I know - he is sick.  I know that.  I do.  I was there - I was there for the abuse, the anger, the lies, the drugs.  I was there for the doctors, the counselors, the diagnoses, the treatments.  I know how devastating mental illness is because I lived with him for all those years.  I know that a lot of this is just part of his illness.

But that does not make it easier.  That does not make it better.

Knowing it does not make the pain or the anger go away.


I found out just Friday that he has resumed an online affair.  The same woman he had an online fling with back in the early days of our marriage.

And that, on top of everything else, has broken me.

Because it makes me wonder about the last 10 years.  Did he just get better at hiding it?  Or did they really have periods of time when they had no contact?

I mean, why should it even matter at this point?  We are divorced. We are done.


When I called my friend Friday, she cried with me.  She understood.  She's been divorced.  She helped me, but I am not finished.

I am not well.

I am not finished healing.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I think it has finally sunk in.  


The only person I can do anything about is myself.


I cannot "make" anyone else behave.  Well, I can encourage my kids strongly to behave, but other adults..... nope.


So, I am going to stop trying.


I deleted a bunch of blog entries that were negative and angry - I left some :) - and included way too much information.


I am opening this blog back up and probably going to write mostly about the kids instead of the failures of my life and those in it.


There is so much relief in this.




Dear God,


Thank You for loving me always.  Thank You for the blessings in my life.  Help me to not backslide into bad habits.  I know You were there always, holding me and supporting me when it felt like my life was spiraling out of control.  Help me to always depend on You and turn to You in these moments.


Amen

Single White Female......

So I was talking to a friend (male) of mine last night & he told me I was too picky.  I told him I like being single most of the time - and any time I compromise my standards, I end up miserable......

Then, today, a recent ex called to tell me how horribly I had treated him.... (you may remember him - the sex guy - LOL)...... I said "Umm, Ok. Anything else?"

But this did get me to thinking.....

Am I really a terrible person or am I really too picky?  Do I really like being single?

I have 2 failed marriages.  I know the first one was partly (maybe even mostly) my fault.  The second was not - except for the mistake I made by marrying him in the first place - but hey, we all make mistakes.

I even called my first husband and talked to him about it.  He and I get along fairly well now..... we have had some ugly years, but we are determined to be friends - and we are true friends - we have been through hell and back together......

He agreed that I was too picky, but not terrible.  He also said that some people are not made for marriage and maybe I am one of those people.....


He would know - he was married to me......  poor thing!!!



I know that God creates us for marriage - one man, one woman, for life.

I know that society likes us to be paired up.  It is like we are defective if we are not paired.

But really,

I like to be able to do what I want when I want.

I like to be able to cook what I want.

I like to be able to make plans without consulting someone else.

I like to spend money on whatever I want without consulting someone else.

So, yeah, I guess I am terrible.

LOL


I do get lonely sometimes for that someone to talk to, that built in date, that person to share burdens with......

But is that a reason to "date" or to marry?

Not to me.



But I have a running list in my head of what I am "looking for" even though I am not really looking..... KWIM?

Someone who is striving to be the man God created him to be. 
Someone who has a passion for life and a passion in life.
Someone who loves children and can tolerate teenagers - lol.  
Someone who is gainfully employed.
Someone without a criminal record or a substance abuse problem.
Someone who is honest.


And someone without a ZZ Top beard.  (That is a recent addition and the reason he told me I was too picky).

Facebook is Not So Bad......

Facebook gets a bad rap, but it is a social network.

Today, I was reminded of how small this world is. 

Yesterday, I posted a prayer request for Kaileigh's baby sister.  Today, a girl who went to middle school with my brother (who I BARELY remember, but who is friends with 87 of my friends, so she is my friend - lol) called me to ask me Kaileigh's birthmother's name because......

Her niece is engaged to a guy whose ex-girlfriend had a baby Thursday & DHR picked up the baby today. 

It is the same baby.

My brother's friend put me in touch with her sister-in-law, who put me in touch with her daughter & her fiance, who is the supposed father.....

The dad had me talk to his mom, Shannon......

I was not even the least bit surprised that Krystal had lied about Kaileigh.  I was not even the least bit surprised to find out a lot of the information she shared with me.

They go to court tomorrow to get the ball rolling on the DNA testing.....

I am praying all the way around.  I don't know these people at all.  I have faith that there was a reason I was put in contact with them. 

I hope that the information I gave them helps them and does not burden them.  I wish so much I could be in court tomorrow. 

Soooooooooooo Very Tired.......

Seriously, I am just worn down.....

Last Wednesday, Kaileigh had a doctor's appointment in Bham & we decided to make a day of it - bargain shopping.  Yeah, that was a *great* idea..... we both ended up sick.....  I think it was from exhaustion more than anything else : )

Hunter went out with my parents on Thursday - and got home after midnight & ended up with a migraine Friday - again, probably from exhaustion or lack of sleep..... 

Yes, those are both courtesy of Dr. Christy - I got my MD from the school of hard knocks and from experience as a foster parent.....

Anywho.....

So, David.

What can I say about David?

I can say that he is still going to church at Harvestfield.  I can say that I have not been in like 3 weeks and I am 99% certain it is because he is there.  Just the idea of even smiling & nodding when people talk about how great it is that he is there makes my head hurt.  The idea of calling him some choice names & letting people know what I think of him being there makes me feel better, but worse - KWIM?

I can say that his transmission went out in his van and the starter went out in his car.  And he had his Mommy fix them both AND rent him a car.

I wonder if his Mommy will pay me the $10,000 in back child support he owes?  Maybe I should ask her......

He did start a second job that is supposed to be for the purpose of paying me back, but we'll see how that plays out.......

Just Checking In

David has been helping out with the kids a lot in the afternoons since I have been down with my back....

It is starting to get on my nerves.

At first, he was all helpful - you know doing homework, washing dishes, doing laundry, etc.  But since he has figured out that I am not too keen on the idea of us reconciling, he has just been hanging out.

That is NOT helpful, so it will have to end soon!!!!


Speaking of my back, it is doing some better..... I have been going to the chiropractor for 2 full weeks.  Yep, still have pain & some days it is still pretty excruciating, but today it is more of a dull ache, which is a vast improvement.

I hope this will work.  Shots have never worked as well, so we shall see.


And I hate my job.  That is all I want to say about that - other than I need a job where I can make what I make now & only work16 hours a week (preferably just 2 days)...... yeah, that's what I figured, dang it.  I canNOT wait for my supervisor to come back to work - one week down, 8 to go .........Yes, I may cry.......

Long Time, No Blog

I have been working on some personal issues and have not been blogging.....


I am pleased to announce that even though I still have days or moments of overwhelming regret, I have slowly stopped loathing myself! :)  I am still working towards complete forgiveness of myself.  I recognize that the past is the past and that no matter what I do, I cannot change anything I have done.  My 19 year old self made choices that my 37 year old self would never have made, but I have punished myself enough for it, I believe.


There is more news - but I am not quite ready to share it yet.......


More later! :)

Hunter is Driving......

Yeah.


That pretty much sums it up.


WOW!  


It is amazing.  




I am not sure how my mom did this *THREE* times......


I am not going to survive this.  

There. Is. Not. Enough. Alcohol. In. The. World.


And yes, I actually said that to my 15 year old.


He said I was an awesome mom - I preferred NOT to hear the sarcasm as he said it, turning right into our street on 2 wheels at like 50 miles per hour.

Facebook Withdrawals

I am locked out of my FB account "for site maintenance" - hmmmmmm.......

So I am having withdrawals.

And still getting notification emails which I cannot respond to or anything....

I hate FB today!!!!!!!

Being Honest With Myself is HARD!

So, I have been having a lot of issues with my ex-husband not doing what he should and hurting my kid.  He expects me to be at his beck and call for visitation, he expects me to explain over and over and over to Kaileigh why he is a slacker.  It drives me bonkers.


So, my best friend listens to me whine and is always, always, always supportive and tells me she understands.  I know she does bc she has been there/done that more than once herself.


This week - she held ME responsible for all of it.....


And
She.
Is.
Right.


Yep, that's right.  This is my fault.


So this is what she wrote me:
CHRISTY, this is not about everybody else's feelings.  This is one of those icky dances we do when we are in abusive relationships.  We get something out of it, or we would quit. STOP LETTING HIM DICTATE VISITATION. Follow the agreement or stop bitching about it. STOP LETTING HIM GET TO YOU!  If he wants to voluntarily surrender, LET HIM. Stop worrying about Kaileigh's feelings - this is not about Kaileigh - it is about David's desire to control you & you allowing it because you get something out of it.  Figure that out & get some peace. Love you!


So what am I getting out of it besides a raging headache?


I am not sure.


I do know that I have a pattern of controlling and/or abusive relationships.  


From the first guy I ever dated to the last guy I dated after my second divorce (oh & there were a lot of them in between)..... I tend to end up with the same type of person.  


Oh, they all exhibit it in different ways, but they are all the same.  Controlling, angry, disturbed individuals.


Why?

Oh yeah - maybe that is it......because I am a terrible, icky, horrible person who has done some terribly, icky, horrible things in my life.  Things we will not recount here.  Things I am terribly ashamed of.  Things that have scarred me deeply.


Being honest with myself about it is hard.  Being honest with anyone else about it may be impossible.


But mainly, it is because I do not forgive.  I do not forgive myself.  I relive and rehash these mistakes over and over.  Because of these mistake, there is a large part of me that believes that I do not deserve forgiveness from God.  I do not deserve to live, much less live happily, and definitely not in God's grace.  

How arrogant of me - to think that my all-powerful, all-mighty God would not extend His grace to me because my sin was so horrible.  Who am I that I am *that* important  that God would choose to say "No, I will not forgive you."  How arrogant of me, indeed.  That was a serious slap in the face for me.  A wake-up call.  



This is my prayer today:

Dear God, 
Please forgive my arrogance, my unforgiveness of myself.  Please forgive me for placing limitation on Your power, on Your love, on Your grace.  I know that You are the only one who can heal this brokenness, who can take this self-loathing from me.  I know You have blessed me through my life and even used me as a tool to bless others, even in my brokenness, even in my shame and and my sin.
Please help me to forgive myself.  Please help me to put my focus on living for You again.  I love You and I thank You for my many, many blessings.





 

I Really Hate That Feeling..... - you know the "I was wrong" one...

I am very, very anti-medication for kids.


I think that kids are over-medicated, over-diagnosed and over-babied for the most part.


Welllllllll.......


When we did foster care, I had to medicate kids with ADHD (DHR rules) & I did see the value in it for a few kids.  I can think of 4 off the top of my head who NEEDED their medication or all hell would break loose.


Those who know Kaileigh, know she is active - not hyperactive - but VERY, VERY active.... has no focus, cannot follow 2 part instructions.  

She. does. not. sleep.


Which means that I do not sleep.  (Sidenote - if you see me in my PJs at 2 in the afternoon sometime - just ignore it please - it just means it was a particularly rough night & I have been napping while Kaileigh was at school).


Well, her teacher had not related any issues at school, so I thought we could wait a while & let her mature a little more.  Until last week......


She has been less & less focused, more & more easily irritated at home


And then both her classroom teacher & her special ed teacher asked me if we had ever considered having her evaluated. 


DANG IT......


Of course we have - both birth parents have ADHD, MR & multiple mental health diagnoses.  Of course we have considered it.


But I did not want to do it.


See point 1 - over-diagnosed, over-medicated, etc......


I took her yesterday - yep - definitely ADD - possible other issues.  After talking with 1 psychiatrist & 1 psychologist (partners in crime practice), I agreed to try medication - a very, very, very low dose of Strattera.  

They told me it would take 2-3 weeks to see any difference at all.


Last night, I gave it to her before bed - 


She. actually. slept. 4. solid. hours.


WOO-HOO.


I did not tell her teacher, but I did email her & ask her if Kaileigh was behaving today.


Kaileigh actually finished her seatwork - for the first time ever - without being prodded repeatedly.


I am still not convinced - those things could be flukes.  But I am a bit relieved.


We go back in 2 weeks for possible other evaluations - since she has some behaviors and I have some concerns that are unrelated to ADD or ADHD.  Both birth parents are bipolar (plus other issues) & after living with David & our former foster daughter N, I have severe PTSD when it comes to mental illnesses.....  I just pray that whatever comes of it, we can treat early & treat well so that she does not go down those same roads....

It's a Bouncing Baby Boy......

LOL - not really....


He is a boy, but not a baby & I am not sure I have ever seen him bounce.....


My son turned 15 yesterday.

He got his learner's permit and a checking account.


God help us all.




I let him drive around the driving range in Glencoe since there were no other cars out there. He only almost killed us once. Then we swapped places. I am too young to die!


I took him to the bank so he could deposit money in his checking account. He acted like a bank robber. We will NOT be going back to the bank anytime soon. Well, I will - because I work there.


We had lunch at my LEAST favorite restaurant on earth just so he could have the dessert he wanted most......


All in all, it was a good day.


But he is growing up.


He was born on April 27, 1995, at 11:06 pm, weighing 10 pounds 4 ounces & was 22 inches long.
On April 27, 2010, at 9ish pm, he weighed 130ish pounds & was 5 ft 9.5 inches tall.


He wears a size 11.5 men's shoe or a 12 in Converse.

Happy (Belated) Birthday, Hunter Tillman Limbaugh!!!!!

Coupon Craziness......

I have changed my mind about coupons somewhat....

I still will not use as many on food items bc most grocery coupons seem to be for processed foods (which I am really, really, really trying to remove from our diet) or for stuff we don't eat a lot of - like cereal. The kids like cereal sometimes, but they only eat a box a month or so maybe so stocking up on cereal does not make a lot of sense for us.

But oh my goodness - when you can get toothpaste, cleaning supplies & deoderant virtually for free...... YAY. I have not seen any super deals on toilet paper or paper towels, but I know they are out there somewhere.....

Here are some highlights from the last couple of weeks:

KMART (Double Coupon Week) - $18.48 after coupons plus got a $5 coupon to use next time. (Also discovered today that I had purchased items for the P&G coupon book rebate - woo-hoo).
2 - 3 pks of Venus disposable razors
1 - 3 pk of Bic Bella disposable razors
1 - 100 ct Aleve
1 - Tide Stain Release
1 - Soft Scrub

Winn Dixie Trip 1 - $5.74 after coupons plus got a $10 off coupon to use next trip
2 - Smart Taste pasta (both free)
2 - Dawn dish detergent
2 - Olive oil

Winn Dixie Trip 2 - $6.79 after coupons plus got another $10 off coupon to use on next trip. The one I had previously gotten would not scan - cashier & I finally figured out that it was dated for the following week - duh!
4 - 1 pound packages Premio Italian sausage (2 patties & 2 links) (all for free)
4 - Smart taste pasta (1 spaghetti, 2 elbow macaroni, 1 penne) (all for free)
4 - Cover girl mineral makeup (total of $1 - for 4 or a quarter each - I can deal with that)
2 - Olive oil (have I mentioned we use a LOT of olive oil?????)
This total actually would have been $3 less if I had paid more attention or if the cashier had - oh well, lesson learned!!!!

Food World $19.52
10 bags of Kraft brand shredded cheese (I still had some from my super deal from WD a couple weeks ago or I would have bought more - the WD deal was a much better deal, but we LOVE cheese!!!!!!).
4 bags of Valley Fresh Steamers

Walgreen's $4.30 plus I got $6.00 in RR to use next time
Walgreen's in RBC is NOT coupon friendly. They were really jerky to me on this particular day AND had to ring the order up about 6 times and call 2 managers - I was accused of stealing and of "cheating the system." I probably will try to go to a different Walgreens store in the future. (** I should add that the cashier was nice enough, but I warned him about a possible issue. The managers were the jerky ones).
2 bags of TGIF snacks
2 Ban deoderant (24 cents each!)
2 individual cups of Velveeta shells & cheese
2 Benadryl ultratabs
1 cheap lollipop as a filler..... and a bribe for Kaileigh to stop griping.

CVS Total OOP $13.18 (3 transactions, rolling ECB)
The cashier was SO, SO over the top friendly & helpful!!! I will shop in CVS a LOT more often if all the cashiers are as awesome as this one!!!!
1 - Dove Shampoo
1 - Green Tag
1 - CVS Paper Towel
1 - Claritin (10 ct, I think)
1 - Glade Sense & Spray starter kit
2 - Glade Sense & Spray refills

So far since I have been using coupons, I have spent a total of $200.14 including tax (not counting my Aldi's trip). I have gotten merchandise valued at $498.97 and saved $298.83, or about 60%. I also can send in for 2 of the P&G $100 coupon books and I have purchased enough of the SC Johnson products to send in for 2 of their $5.00 rebates.


Did I really NEED all of that stuff right now? No - but I will eventually & if I can buy makeup for a quarter instead of $11, that's a good thing!!!

No Birth Family Visit This Week

Well, Kaileigh's birth aunt - let's call her "T" - has been talking to me for several months about trying to schedule a visit with Kaileigh & her birth mom. Kaileigh has not had a "real" visit with birth mom since July 2005. We have seen her - at McDonald's, the mall..... but no visit. I last spoke with her last week - she said that this weekend would be best for them. It is Easter weekend & I was not enthused, but I told her to call me this week to confirm the time & place. I gave her my phone number. I sent a note & my phone number to T through her boss (a customer of mine) on Monday. And another one today.

No phone call, so no visit.....

Maybe this is best, but it disappoints me that they cannot be bothered to make ONE phone call to schedule a time to see this precious, sweet child.

Of course, we did schedule a visit with birth grandmother about a year ago & it lasted all of 15 minutes, so I should know that they are not all that interested.

That sounds cruel, but honestly, they do not have the capacity to be truly interested in Kaileigh. They love her in their own way - the way some people love their clothing or their shoes - you know, as a possession - as a symbol of something or other..... But they do not have the capacity to do more. I should remember this - a dear friend who is a social worker once told me "Christy, if K's birth family was able to love and care for her the way you expect them to, she would still be living there."

At least I did not tell Kaileigh about the visit, so she will not be disappointed.

ONLY Kaileigh.....

.... would announce LOUDLY during Holy Communion that she was VERY thirsty and just wanted to drink that yummy juice!

Argh.....

So, I Have Been SUPER Convicted Today!!!!!

I have gotten so bogged down in the crap that people are throwing my way lately that I have let myself become super-negative.

So, then I read this blog yesterday about a friend's struggles with fertility. And SHE is uber-positive and completely relying on God. She wrote about patience, waiting, longing. Her prayer, though, is what pushed me over the edge - instead of praying for her own will, she & her husband have chosen to pray this prayer: "God let my heart be content if your will is not the same as my will... as your will is done."

WOW

And here I am praying for a truck to hit my ex-husband.

CONVICTED!!!!

Then, I reread Chapter 6 through the end of Crazy Love.

I know I have been sinning (see my above prayer).... But I had just about gotten to the point where I was OK with that - I mean, I am entitled and justified in my anger, right? Whoa - I am treading on dangerous ground there!!!

So, then I read this:

"You have to stop loving and pursuing Christ in order to sin."

WOW - that hit me hard, too.

I have let myself get so wrapped up in my own anger, my own personal feelings, my own troubles, that I have stopped pursuing Christ. I realized that I had not read my Bible at all this week. I have not spent much time in prayer. And the time that I have spent in prayer has been praying for MY will to be done.

Then tonight, Mark shared something during Coffee Talk (Wednesday night church thang - lol). I am paraphrasing bc I cannot remember exactly, but basically ....

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
the courage to change the people I can,
and the wisdom to know that those "people" are me.....

Really, I can only change ME - my behavior - and I can only do that with God's help. I cannot change David, I cannot change my grandmother's illness, I cannot change Kaileigh's birth family. I can only ask that God help me to accept those things and help me change MY reactions, MY feelings, MY behavior..... I can only ask that God grant me contentment if His will and mine differ.

Whew.......................

Our church's annual auction for the children's ministry is finished for another year. That has taken up most of my time this week. But I have some funnies....

Hunter - "Mom, I changed my mind."
Me - "About?"
H - "Learning to drive in your car."
Me - "Really now?"
H - "Yep, I guess I can learn to drive in it."
Me - "Why did you change your mind?"
H - "Because I realized you're the one who will be letting me drive and I don't want you to mess up my new car."
Me - "The car you don't have?"
H - "Yeah"
Me - "Brilliant"



Hunter - (In the middle of me telling him to DO his chores) "I want to go live with Dad."
Me - (trying to maintain calm & not panic over this yet) "Ok"
Hunter - "But I can't go live with Dad"
Me - "Ok"
Hunter - "Dad doesn't have wireless internet & MiMi (Hunter's grandmother) won't let him get it"
Me - "So if your dad had wireless internet, you would want to go live with him?"
Hunter - "Yeah"
Me - "You want me to call Comcast & get that hooked up for you?"
Hunter - "That was supposed to make you let me off the hook for my chores."
Me - "Sorry, buddy, doesn't work that way."



Kaileigh - "Mommy, I had lunch with the mayor yesterday" (Keep in mind, she is 6 and yesterday could be today or could be 3 months ago - she has NO concept of actual time.)
Me - "Cool - why did you have lunch with the mayor?"
K - "MOM - because I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo awesome!"
(I did discover it was bc she was student of the month in February - and the lunch was actually in February. Why she thought of it this week, who knows.......)





Our pastor is sooooooooooooo anti-credit and debt, so this was hilarious to me. After our auction was over last night, we had several things that did not sell and so he decided to buy 2 golf packages for the minimum......
He scoped out all the cashiers & skipped me ON PURPOSE (I am sure of this!)....
"Hey, I want to buy these, but I don't have any cash & my wife has the checkbook."
So, our anti-credit pastor bought stuff on credit..... I guess he is good for it! lol

I found it amusing!!!!! And I *did* give him a hard time about it.......

Mini-Vacation

I decided today to take the kids on a mini-vacation.

We are leaving tomorrow.

We are going to Chattanooga, staying at a hotel with an indoor pool & planning to visit the Aquarium and either the zoo or ride the incline railway or something.....

My kids are hard bc of the age difference. But this was sort of Hunter's idea - really...... he is a good kid!!!

Pictures to come this weekend!!!!!

To Coupon or Not to Coupon.....

There has been a lot of talk about coupons around me lately - on FB & IRL - I am also on a couple of shopper boards where they talk about couponing A LOT. To be honest - I am intimidated by the idea of it. I used to dabble, but these folks are talking about the stores paying them to take groceries home!!! lol

Soooooo.....

I have been examining my spending & my grocery spending in particular. Food is a HUGE part of our budget. Keep in mind I am a single mom with only a part-time job (working 16 hours a week) and 2 kids.... Our grocery budget is approximately $300 a month plus school lunches We have a separate dining out budget.....

So I went back to the past to see what I have done to keep our grocery spending in check...

When I was a stay at home mom (and foster mom), I made my grocery list by the ads. I would shop ONLY the sales (mostly the BOGOS & %offs) at Food World & Winn Dixie (our only local grocery stores at the time) and buy the bulk of the rest of it at Wal-Mart. It seemed that it took a tremendous amount of time & energy.

When we went to the Boys' Ranch, we had 2 buildings full of staples & donations. So my budget for groceries was $10 per person in the house per week. Basically enough for bread & milk. I got out of the habit of the marathon grocery shopping trips!

When we came back from the Ranch, I had to go back to work. I discovered Aldi & have religiously shopped there for 2 years. It keeps my budget in check & I have only found a few things that we would not eat from there. It also takes an hour or so to shop. I do sometimes have to pick up the odd item from somewhere else since their selection is a bit limited.

So today, I had some time. I already had my grocery list & menu. I did not adjust my menu at all - just glanced through the sales papers to see what I could find that fit our menu.....

Here are some things we are planning to eat for the next couple of week - budget is $150 for 2 weeks:
Cheesy Pasta Casserole
Crock Pot Sticky Chicken & Rice
BBQ Pork Chops with Mashed Potatoes & veggies
Farmer's Pork Chops (YUMMY - Paula Deen recipe - need I say more?????)
Grilled Pork Chops & Rosemary Potatoes
Chicken Paprikash
Chicken Fried Rice
French Bread Pizzas
Taco Pinwheel
Chili
Nachos
Loaded Baked Potato Soup
Jambalaya
Sloppy Joes
Chicken Pot Pie (Probably inside-out style)

I went to Food World & bought 6 pounds of chicken thighs, 2 bags of french fries, 2 pounds of smoked sausage, a pound of breakfast sausage & 2 loaves of french bread - grand total $21.04. They don't put the savings on the receipts anymore, so I don't know exactly how much I saved there but I estimate it was about $10.

I went to Winn Dixie & bought 2 packs of Little Sizzlers (I LOVE those things - no clue why, but I do), 5 pounds of boneless pork chops, a head of cabbage, 2 packages of shredded cheese, 4 packages of tortillas, 6 cans of ravioli or spaghetti (for after school snacks) and 10 pounds of red skinned potatoes (which I did find out that I could have gotten at Aldi for less this week - grr). I spent $33.33 & saved $23.89.

THEN, I went to Aldi. I bought all my canned items (tomatoes, corn, tomato sauce, tomato paste, mushrooms, broths, etc), sour cream, milk, tea bags, hot chocolate, several different pastas, different rices & rice mixes, 3 tubs of parmesan cheese, cream cheese, apple juice, bell peppers, oranges, onion 2 pounds of boneless chicken breasts. I spent $58.45 for 10 bags of stuff!

Makes my grand total SPENT $112.82 and just under 2 hours in 3 stores..... I "saved" $34.

I also came in $37.18 under budget which I plan to blow on Easter Candy! lol

I have enough groceries for at least 2 weeks - possibly 3 or more since I bought extras of lots of items.....I also bought some convenience items that I don't usually buy since the kids are home for spring break.


So for now - no coupons for me.....

Today is Friday....

and yet again, I am SERIOUSLY considering quitting my job!!!

I love my customers.

I love the actual work - difficult enough to be challenging, easy enough to be .... well, easy.....

I am so tired of the politics & the yah-yah & the back-biting & the nastiness....

Then again....

The money is decent.

I only work 2 days a week.

I need to work so that I do not constantly obsess over everything else.....

If it were not for the fact that my kids kind of like food, I definitely would have quit this morning!!!!! I wonder if I could convince them to go on an all-water diet.....

Even Though Parenthood is Hard.......

I have been praying for a long time about Kaileigh's sibling...... since her birth mother says she is pregnant at least once a year, I have been praying about the decision whether or not to foster or adopt the baby or babies that she has for 6 years......

Now that she is actually pregnant, the decision seems harder. My situation has changed - I am a single mom - dealing with two semi-absent fathers to my other kids. I know my family will NOT be supportive about the idea - my parents already told me I was crazy for even considering it.

I know I am crazy for even considering it.

AND I know that this child could be a HUGE blessing for another family who has been praying for a child for a long time. I know that he/she would be adopted quickly and easily. I know that there is a Mommy and a Daddy out there who would be sooooooooo thrilled to have this precious gift.

BUT......

I know the birth family (at least the maternal side)....
Kaileigh is the only sibling this tiny baby has (half or not)....
It is generally preferential to keep siblings together....
Kaileigh would NEVER forgive me if she knew I had the opportunity to have she & her sibling grow up together and I did not do it....

I have been praying for 6 years and the answer hit me this morning like a ton of bricks. God said, "You are this child's Mommy."

If DHR gets involved with this baby, I may have to fight them, but I will take the baby for whatever amount of time it is - foster or adopt. God put this on my heart for a reason - I don't know what the reason is, but He is sovereign in my life, so I have to trust Him that I can do it.

Pray for me and Kaileigh and Hunter and our new tiny blessing........

I think I may be sick!

Parenthood.....

My mom says that the worst arguments she & my dad ever had were about me (well, me & my youngest brother, but this is about me)..... and they have been married for close to 38 years. She says that parenting is the hardest thing she has ever done. She parented us semi-alone for the first 18 years of my life bc my dad worked out of town most of the time. But the difference is that my Dad still wanted to be a part of our life.....still went on vacation with us, took us fishing, made us chop firewood - spent time with us whenever humanly possible.....

My kids' dads suck. Really.

I am so sick and tired of them making promises to my kids and not following through.

Hunter's dad does not play games - he says straight up that he never wanted to be a dad & he does the best he can do. He does spend time with him occasionally & he will do just about anything I ask him to do for Hunter - financially. Emotionally & physically is a different story, but that's OK - Hunter is fairly well-adjusted and not really worse for the wear. Now that Hunter is a rotten teenager (LOL), his dad is spending a little more time with him - not sure if it is the tantrums I have had with him about it or him just realizing that Hunter will only be a kid for a short time...... Whatever it is, I am glad for it!!!

Kaileigh's dad takes her to speech once a week - which some might think is awesome & I do appreciate it, but it is more for show..... Anything that involves real time or real money or real attention is NOT happening...... He has 2 days of visitation every week, but usually only spends a few hours with her - if that.

It makes me sad for both my kids - but more for Kaileigh bc she has already lost a birth mother & a birth father... her dad CHOSE to be her dad when we adopted, but he is not acting like one..... I expect more out of him because of that.

Ugh.

I see Kaileigh's dad going down the same road Hunter's dad went down & I know how much that hurt Hunter when he was Kaileigh's age. Kaileigh is a lot more sensitive than Hunter was, too......

I know part of it is his illness. My friend Amy says that I let him by with way too much & make excuses for inexcusable behavior because he is bipolar, but it is one way that I rationalize it and it keeps me from killing him......

I'm Terrified - lol

Hunter is now in charge of our Netflix Queue......

Is that not terrifying?

I constantly forget that I have seen certain movies - maybe they are just that forgettable or maybe it is what Hunter says - that I am just that old.....

So after receiving the 3rd or 4th (I forget) movie in a row that we have seen before, I relinquished the reins of the Netflix queue to Hunter.....

He does not realize what a responsibility that is quite yet. LOL

Oh The LOVELY Life of a Single Mom

This morning, I was sick - just pukey and blah..... so we did not go to church.

Kaileigh was MAD! Hunter had a migraine, so he was OK with it.

Kaileigh is now an Alabama fan bc she figured that was the only thing that would make me take her to church! lol She will get over it.....

So.... her dad came over to pick her up (normal Sunday routine, but a few hours early) and also to repair some shelves he hung last week that fell....

As if that were not uncomfortable enough, a knock on the door & it was Hunter's dad coming to pay child support & research rifles.....

I can handle my ex-husbands fairly well one at a time, but dealing with them both at the same time is NOT FUN.....

Today was OK since they were in opposite ends of the house, but still - not pleasant entirely....

AND Kaileigh tried to introduce them to each other - she said "Hunter's Daddy, I would like you to meet MY Daddy - my 2 favorite Daddies together at last"...... I found it humorous, but Kaileigh's Daddy did NOT.

They both got finished with their projects and then sat in my living room for the longest time until I said "HEY! - Divorce means you don't live here anymore - is there a reason you guys are camping out?" LOL

It took them forever to finally leave - but then I got to spend the afternoon with Hunter watching bad movies and laughing about the crazy ways of men..... until Hunter reminded me that he would be a man soon..... then he took a nap & I had a small little panic attack.

Good times, I tell you, good times.......

This Mom Thing is HARD!!!!

I think Kaileigh has been taking lessons from her older brother.....

This morning, I told her she would need to go to extended day and I put a note in her backpack for her teacher. She said she was NOT going to extended day. I walked out of the room & came back to find her stuffing the note to her teacher under the couch.....

I said, "HEY! What are you doing?"
She said, "I am not going to extended day."
I said, "Even if the note does not go to school, you still have to go to extended day - I have to work."
She said, "I'll just walk home."

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo - when I picked her up at extended day later, she said, "Mrs. Smith would not let me walk home - I don't like you OR her."

She is sooooooooo saucy!

I don't know where she gets it.

Shut up.

I Have a Confession to Make......

I am a HUGE TV junkie. So several months ago, I started only watching what I TIVO - to cut down on some of that. I also only TIVO stuff I absolutely love.....

But it is still A LOT of TV.......

The last two weeks, we have been so busy that I have not watched any television (except cartoons & iCarly with Kaileigh, but really does that count????).....

I was amazed when I realized it last night....

Then Hunter burst my bubble.....

He said, "Umm, Mom - have you checked the TIVO lately?" I said "No, why?"

"Well, because of the Olympics, everything you record is in reruns anyway" (meaning that it would not record anyway)

Well, that stinks......

So I watched a mini-marathon of Ultimate Cake Off (the only thing that has recorded lately) and I guess that will have to do until next week.....

Hmmmm.

Today was a pretty good day - even though I did see my ex-husband a LOT more than I like to - but he seems to be coming back down off his manic episode, so it was not too bad.

So, like, the biggest thing on my mind right now is that I found out tonight that Wendy's Frosties now come in VANILLA!!!!! Umm - WHAT? That is just an absolute travesty...... Vanilla Frosties????? What's next? I mean really..... if it ain't broke, don't screw it up!!!!! lol

Oh & if you knew Wendy's now has vanilla frosties, don't burst my bubble & tell me please. My 6 year old saying "duh" to me about it was just about enough to push me over the edge!

For Once I am Speechless, sort of......

Today, my very awesome, very calm, always sane sister-in-law freaked out. I hurt so much for her......

Their house was burglarized about a month ago. My brother was off on a hunting weekend with my dad, our other brother, my son & my ex-husband. Lori & Owen would have been home except that Owen wanted to spend the night with his Grandmother......

Lori walked in the next morning to a total violation - drawers, closets, appliances, etc. all ransacked....$12,000 worth of stuff stolen.....

Well, they know who did it - they have known it for the whole time, but could not prove it - but now they caught the kids & found some of the stuff - the kids were breaking into another house when caught & they admitted to the burglary at Dale & Lori's......

It was their neighbor. A 16 year old drug addict who has been in & out of juvenile since he was 8 (amazing enough to me) and 2 of his buddies.

They have put their house on the market, but she lost it today when she was talking about it. She said she cannot continue to live in that house - ever.

She had some valid points. But she is also paralyzed by fear. She has been traumatized by this whole thing. I told her she has been in our family for too long - her family does not rant & rave, that is a McGriff thing..... She laughed, but she was still wildly upset.....

Court is tomorrow (which is quick - I am thinking it may just be an arraignment) - I hope Lori does not fall apart tomorrow if the judge is lenient...... To be truthful, I hope the judge is not lenient....

Please pray for Dale, Lori & Owen tomorrow.... I just want them to have some peace until their house sells!!!!!!!

This Season of Lent

I grew up in a Baptist church - really never thought about Lent. After all, wasn't that a Catholic thing??? lol

Well, many years ago, God led me & my family to a Methodist church. During that time, we observed Lent in a variety of ways. Basically, the idea is to fast, pray & serve others - to grow spiritually - to reawaken our hearts by Easter......

When I think of fasting, it has always been a complete foodless time.... umm, have you seen me? Yeah, no.....

But, what our congregation did was to give up something we loved - could be food, an activity, or whatever - it had to be something you would consider important enough to be considered a sacrifice....

Even though we no longer are in that church, Hunter & I still choose to observe Lent. I am giving up sweet tea (my addiction - lol) and soda (my substitute addiction)...... Hunter is giving up chocolate.

But the purpose is not to just give up something we like..... it is to give in to the will of God - to draw closer to Him, to reflect on His sacrifice for us each time we consciously choose not to partake of whatever it is.

I read a blog earlier today about this subject. The author wrote "Instead of seeing Lent as a season of obligation, let's look at it as a season of opportunity." That is what I hope to always do during Lent. That is what I strive for.

I love this time of year...... even though I will be suffering from withdrawals!!!!


"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you. " - James 4:8,10

Moving In

The kids & I have lived in this stark white-walled apartment for 18 months and I have not put a single picture on the wall...I have not decorated in any shape, form or fashion. It is sad really -

I realized this week that I was subconsciously thinking this was just a brief stop - like magically I would snap my fingers & get my old life back - my house, my marriage (maybe), my (foster) kids...... I don't know.....

Anyway, the marriage is dead, the only kids that are mine already live here and "my" house is now owned by someone else. This is where we live - not just where we are camping out briefly.....

So, we are moving in.... unpacking the photos & the "pretty-pretties" as my daughter calls them....

I realized also that in the downsizing, those pretty-pretties were the first things to go, so I guess I need to go shopping.....

I am so challenged when it comes to decorating, too, so this may be a rough month!!!!

LOL

Dating & the Single Mom

OK - Seriously..... we have all seen the movies, the TV shows, heard the horror stories, right? Well, who REALLY knew how tough it was out there? I mean, really???? I thought for sure it could not be that hard......

Then I got divorced.

Oh my!!!!!

Ok, so I have this friend who may or may not, umm, check out my dates to see if they have criminal records before I go out with them. And she also MIGHT check to see how many times they have been in civil or family court..... and I have another friend who possibly lets me know if I should date them.....like by checking their child abuse and neglect history.....

Yeah, I'm jaded. I was a foster parent for too long! I have seen the abuse by the mom's boyfriends.

Well, anywho.....

So, I am giving up dating. I am done. My daughter is 6 - I may try again in, umm, 13 years or so.....

Seriously.

So, you want to know who is out there right now???? Let me just tell you....

There was the guy I have known like my entire life who thought I would give up custody of my kids to date him. WHAT????? Umm, no - NEXT....

Then the guy who was too sick to go out and then got so upset when I went out to dinner with a friend (hey, I am NOT wasting a babysitter!!!!) that he threatened suicide..... NEXT......

And the guy who had been divorced 6 times..... (hey, I know, I am well on my way, but geeze......) I actually have stayed friends with him & he is a sweetheart, but no....... Oh & yeah, he has no kids...... so no clue how my life really works!!!! By the way - he is the reason we added the "family" court look-sees to the list of checks.....lol

And the guy who wanted me to marry him after like 3 dates..... which all occurred BEFORE my divorce was final....... (like in the 2 weeks before the court hearing)

And the guy who lived in a hotel ..... by choice.... I am sorry, I know that makes me terribly picky or something, but I just could not handle that.....

There are those who are WAY too interested in my kids...... RED FLAG!!!!!

And those who think kids should just disappear......

The one who called me after the first date demanding a BJ - umm, hello - that is NOT something you demand and especially not after a first date!!!!!

The MARRIED men who want me to just "forget" that they are married - after all, their wives "don't understand" them...... whatever. I don't understand you, either!!!

The unemployed - like perpetually unemployed - with no inclination or desire to get a job, like ever......

You learn a lot about men when you ask about their kids - the ones who first told me about child support before the actual kids - they were GONE>>>>>

Or the ones who told me what bitches their ex-wives were in the first conversation - GONE>>>>> They may be, but that is really more of a 5th or 6th date revelation! LOL I have enough baby-daddy drama, I don't need your baby-mama drama!!!! And really, seriously, I mean really, why would you tell a date how horrible your ex-spouse was?????? I know I gripe sometimes about my exes, but generally we get along a lot better now that we don't have to live together!!!!! I mean, the living together and the being all up in each other's faces 24/7 is pretty much the issue for me..... now that we live apart & don't have to deal with each other every day, I have a lot more patience for their idiocies..... lol

I was married from 1993-2009 - a little over 15 years - I NEVER thought I would be dating again. NEVER..... I never WANTED to be dating again...... I did not enjoy it all that much when I was a teenager...... lol

So yeah, I am done...... Oh & those are just the ones who passed the "background checks" lol - so, there are even more men out there that give me the heebie-jeebies.........

Crazy Love & Home Groups

Yep, they are connected - give me a minute......

First off, I go to a "home group" church. I was in a group for a while & then family obligations and other things led me out of that group. I am a tough fit - I have talked to our home group pastor about this before. I am a single mom. I have a teenager. I have a kindergartener. I think divorce sucks. For a lot of reasons, but especially in the church.... I did not choose this road, but that is not what this is about. So I was out of a group for a while. I feel led to be in a group, but not sure where I belong, so I have been meeting with a great group (not just saying that bc one of them reads my blog often). Not sure it is the group for me or me for them. I am praying about it. Join me in that.

Honestly, I think I am turned off to the whole idea of this church bc of the creep. Of course, there are creeps in every church. There are creeps everywhere. I have to get past this sooner or later.... really.....

Anyway, so this group is reading an AWESOME book.... Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Thanks to Ashley for suggesting it.

I have just gotten stuck on something I read this weekend & just cannot get past it......

The quote that just punched me in the stomach is "Both worry and stress reek of arrogance." WOW - way to go, Christy - you are ALWAYS stressed and ALWAYS worried...... I have read and reread the explanations and I understand it, but never thought of it like that.

See, I am one of those people who pray A LOT.... I pray constantly - not a "Oh please, don't let that cop see me run this redlight" kind of constant, but like a constant "Thank you for my blessings.....please remember Jane, John, Billy, Bob.......etc......." I also spend specific time each day asking God for specific things and thanking him for specific things. But, you know, when you turn things over to God in prayer, the whole idea is that you leave it with Him - trust Him to do what needs to be done, you know? Well, not me - I pray, then I just take that issue, problem, worry or whatever with me bc, well, honestly, do you know how many people pray to God every day? I think after reading this, I realized that I don't think my problems are too big for God, but more that my problems are too small for God to be interested in. Even though they are huge to me at times, I have always felt like they really are insignificant in the scheme of things and that *I* am the only person who cares about them.

Wow - now really, how is that trusting God? How is that loving God? How is that having a real, relevant relationship with God?

So I am working on it.

I have finally turned 2 serious issues in my life over to God and not picked them back up to carry them myself. I feel relieved of the stress and I realized that actually neither one of them are *my* issue anyway - one is related to my ex-husband's mental health and the other is related to my daughter's birth mother being pregnant.

Now, I am still concerned about David taking his medication and going to therapy, but I am not worried or stressed about it because honestly, it is just not my issue. And while I am still concerned about Kaileigh's sibling, that is not really my issue either. I cannot let those issues steal my joy.....

So I feel like God led me to this group at least for a season...... He always does that - leads me right where I need to be when I need to be there. Now, if I just always listened or followed, I would be doing well.........

Snow - in Alabama, even!

Here are just a few pictures of the kids playing in the snow today.

Yep, I *AM* the same woman who said "Oh, it is Alabama, the last time it snowed was in 1993 - it is NOT going to stick." Yep, I stand corrected.











Even better, my parents drove through the snow to go to the beach - after saying the same thing. My dad was pretty ill with my mom. Especially since he wanted to leave yesterday, but she said "Oh no, it will not snow - this is Alabama."


I love the snow, but hate to drive in it. Especially in my new car. So we are not leaving the house until maybe Tuesday - lol. Well, whenever the roads clear up & dry up completely!!!





By the way, the only reason it snowed is because I did not buy bread. (It's an Alabama thing...)

Insomnia

I can't sleep.
I have not slept at all in about 4 days.
I do not see that changing tonight.

Ugh.

Yay - Bambi!

My mom asked me a couple of days ago if my freezer was clean. I was offended. Well, really, I was pretty sure she knew it was not clean.... is my freezer EVER clean?????

So she then said those magic words, "I was going to bring you some venison if you had room for it."

My freezer was cleaned out this morning.

I called my mom to tell her.

She brought me 3 bags full of venison.

I am happy!

She also brought fish - the kids will be *thrilled*. They don't like fish, well, not "real" fish that was caught in the river. What? As opposed to what? Fish that was caught in the ocean? Umm, no, they don't like that kind either.

Yet they have no problem eating Bambi.

Go figure.

Well, What do you want me to do about it?????

Kaileigh's biological aunt told me today that her sister (K's birth mom) is pregnant. Again. This is the 4th time she has told me this - and the first 3 ended up not going to term (or else she was never pregnant).

I am not sure what to do with this information. I told T what I know, which is.... Since DHR forcibly terminated parental rights with Kaileigh, then they have the right and the obligation to remove this child from her custody at birth.

I am so freaked out, though. We went through this last year - I was freaked out & upset & trying to decide what I was going to do (as the adoptive mom to K, I have first "choice" whether or not to adopt if they do terminate rights for any of her birth siblings). I really do not want to go through all that craziness again.

All of those emotions.

All of that guilt.

This is going to sound horrid & I know it does. I cannot adopt another one of Krystle's children. I cannot.

I love Kaileigh. I adore her - you know that.

But deep down, in the pit of my heart & soul, I know that there is no way I want to have an infant at 37 or 38 years old. No way.

Not only that, but the probability of issues (medical, mental & learning) is high - too high. I have my hands full with Hunter, Kaileigh and the biggest kid of all - myself!!!!

I don't want to have to explain myself to DHR. I don't want to have to explain myself to Krystle. A simple "No thank you" will not cut it with them - any of them. I don't want to have to explain myself to Kaileigh some day.

I do not see any way at all that Krystle can parent a child. She was not able to do it with Kaileigh & we still see the effects of her neglect. She did not feed or care for her properly - even in the hospital with nurses directing her every step of the way, even in a home for teenaged mothers with the houseparents reminding her of everything that needs to be done.

I feel for her bc I know that she has never gotten over the pain of losing Kaileigh. She does love her. It also concerns me for Kaileigh - I mean - what if she cannot ever be a mom? What if she is more & more like Krystle as she ages, less and less able to care for herself or anyone else. It breaks my heart.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that some lucky couple out there will get the dream of their dreams if they are able to adopt Kaileigh's sibling. I know that somewhere out there there is a couple who is praying for a child and will be beyond thrilled. I know that it is for the best if that is what happens.

But that means that Kaileigh will never know her sibling (or siblings) and that hurts me, too. I know that some day I will have to tell her why I did not adopt her brother or sister, too..... I know that some day she will want to know who or where they are. I won't have those answers for her.

UGH - I really wish Tina would keep this stuff to herself until Krystle is officially in labor. There is nothing I can do about it now - other than worry it around in circles.......

Please dear God, take this worry from me! Please allow Krystle to have a healthy pregnancy this time and a healthy baby. Please help those in charge to make the best decision for Krystle and the child. Please keep Kaileigh's sibling safe. I want to give this to you, God.

Some Observations from This Week

Everyone knows how to raise a teenager - if they do not have one living in their home!!!!!

Same goes with a disabled child, any child or a pet!

Time flies - when you have an important deadline!!!!

If we are supposed to be a friendly bank, why are the pens on chains?

If it really is true "What does not break me, makes me stronger" then I should be able to beat Hercules in a wrestling match right about now.

It is better to face a problem head on - or you can do what I do..... avoid, evade & pretend it does not exist!

You can raise children in the same home, with the same rules and try to instill the same values and still end up with one who is so far off that path that you are not sure you will ever find them again!!!!!

The same faults you are most concerned with in yourself are surely to be repeated in your children!

Teenagers are God's way of reminding us of how much pain we caused our own parents!

Conversations with a Teenager - Seriously folks, you cannot make this stuff up!!!!!

From Friday:

Me "Hunter, you have to decide - are you going hunting this weekend or not."
H - "Is it raining?"
Me "YES"
H- "I bet it will be cold, too."
Me - "Probably"
H - "Is Uncle Dale going?" (My brother Dale is the designated cook on these weekends - if he does not go, the men all starve!!! lol)
Me - "I am not sure"

(we are all slowly growing older as we wait for Hunter to speak again) -

H - "I want to go hunting, but not if it's raining or cold."
Me - "OK - I'll let them know"
H - "Don't tell them why - then they will think I'm not a REAL hunter."

(long pause)

"Maybe I should just go - you don't think I will get wet, do you?"


yeah - I did not let him go. He's blond, too, by the way!!!





From today:

Me (on phone with the ex, relaying info to the said teenager) "Dad wants to know if you want to go to dinner for Papaw's birthday"
H "Where are they going?"
Me "Not sure, but they are leaving in 20 minutes, will you be hungry?" (We had just had a HUGE lunch)
H "I don't know - depends on where they are going."
Me (after getting the info from the ex) "OK - Red Lobster?"
H "Sure, I'll go - but tell him I want dessert & an appetizer."
The Ex "Gee - tell him thanks for gracing us with his presence - glad he approves of our choice."
Me "Welcome to my world."



Aren't teens fun????

Now you know why I talk more about my 6 year old!!!

I love my kids.
Today was Sanctity of Human Life Sunday at our church.

It made me think about my own experiences with abortion - let me explain.

I got married in 1993 while I was a college junior. 11 months later, we found out we were expecting. My then husband freaked out. We were both in college, both worked full time & had little to no money - probably bc we spent it all on take-out & CDs. LOL My parents freaked out. My then SIL freaked out bc she was supposed to have the first grandchild (she was older than my husband - still haven't figured that out). My advisor freaked out. I was at risk of losing my scholarships - bc of the morality clause - excuse me???? I WAS MARRIED!!! anyway.... back to the subject at hand......

Abortion was mentioned & immediately, I dug in & said NO.....

Hunter was born 9 months (felt more like 9 years) later - seriously - that had to have been the longest recorded pregnancy on earth.... What on earth would I do without him? He is an awesome kid. Yeah, there are days I could just smack him, but he is an awesome kid. He has a heart for God and I know he will do great things once he grows into himself...... I love my son.

Then there is Kaileigh. You guys know she was adopted. Her birth parents are both diagnosed with mental retardation. They were teens and they were not married. The families live below poverty level and she was known to have congenital heart defects before she was born. Kaileigh's birth mom was advised to abort her. DHR offered to pay for it. Medicaid offered to pay for it. The OB/GYN office offered to do it for free. I thank God every day that she refused to do it.

Kaileigh has had a rough life - she has had multiple surgeries, we do tons of breathing treatments, we do speech therapy, occupational therapy, we see 7 medical specialists regularly...... But you know what, everyone who has ever met her has been touched by her heart, her spirit. Everyone who has regular contact with her is changed for the better.

She was fearfully and wonderfully made for a purpose that God determined before He even formed the world. So were we all. I am so privileged to be the mother of this special child.

Gays Are Mad At Me

I sent my daughter to her room with a movie a little earlier than usual Thursday night bc she was EXHAUSTED.... well, and exhaustING - LOL.......

She comes back into the living room with her hands on her hips, lips poked out & asks
"Are you going to watch Gays Are Mad At Me without me, Mommy?"

Yes, my kindergartener knows that Grey's Anatomy comes on on Thursday nights apparently.


And she was right, I did watch it without her.



She is still angry about it.

The Capital of Alabama

My daughter is hilarious.
Really.
Without even trying.
I am jealous.

Anywho.....

Earlier this week, I was in a rush getting her ready for school & trying desperately to get her to put on her jacket. The following is our conversation.

Me - Kaileigh, put on your jacket.
K - I don't need a jacket - it's too hot outside for a jacket, Mom. (Keep in mind it was in the 40s at this point & the high was going to be mid-50s)
Me - WHY do you think that?
K - Because I know everything.
Me - (Laughing) Oh yeah? Do you know the capital of North Dakota?
K - Uhh - that's not important, we don't live in North Dakota, MOTHER. (Yep, she has inherited my son's most annoying habit of calling me MOTHER in that drippy, sarcastic way that makes it sound like a really, really, really nasty word).
Me - Ok, then, Ms. SmartyPants, Do you know the capital of Alabama?
K - (Utterly exasperated with me, puts her hands on her hips) OF COURSE I DO, MOTHER....
Me - Well, what is it?
K - (DEEEEEEEEEP sigh) It's AUBURN, silly!!

I laughed until I hurt.
I think it is awesome that she thinks that.
I forgot to correct her.