So, I have been having a lot of issues with my ex-husband not doing what he should and hurting my kid. He expects me to be at his beck and call for visitation, he expects me to explain over and over and over to Kaileigh why he is a slacker. It drives me bonkers.
So, my best friend listens to me whine and is always, always, always supportive and tells me she understands. I know she does bc she has been there/done that more than once herself.
This week - she held ME responsible for all of it.....
And
She.
Is.
Right.
Yep, that's right. This is my fault.
So this is what she wrote me:
CHRISTY, this is not about everybody else's feelings. This is one of those icky dances we do when we are in abusive relationships. We get something out of it, or we would quit. STOP LETTING HIM DICTATE VISITATION. Follow the agreement or stop bitching about it. STOP LETTING HIM GET TO YOU! If he wants to voluntarily surrender, LET HIM. Stop worrying about Kaileigh's feelings - this is not about Kaileigh - it is about David's desire to control you & you allowing it because you get something out of it. Figure that out & get some peace. Love you!
So what am I getting out of it besides a raging headache?
I am not sure.
I do know that I have a pattern of controlling and/or abusive relationships.
From the first guy I ever dated to the last guy I dated after my second divorce (oh & there were a lot of them in between)..... I tend to end up with the same type of person.
Oh, they all exhibit it in different ways, but they are all the same. Controlling, angry, disturbed individuals.
Why?
Oh yeah - maybe that is it......because I am a terrible, icky, horrible person who has done some terribly, icky, horrible things in my life. Things we will not recount here. Things I am terribly ashamed of. Things that have scarred me deeply.
Being honest with myself about it is hard. Being honest with anyone else about it may be impossible.
But mainly, it is because I do not forgive. I do not forgive myself. I relive and rehash these mistakes over and over. Because of these mistake, there is a large part of me that believes that I do not deserve forgiveness from God. I do not deserve to live, much less live happily, and definitely not in God's grace.
How arrogant of me - to think that my all-powerful, all-mighty God would not extend His grace to me because my sin was so horrible. Who am I that I am *that* important that God would choose to say "No, I will not forgive you." How arrogant of me, indeed. That was a serious slap in the face for me. A wake-up call.
This is my prayer today:
Dear God,
Please forgive my arrogance, my unforgiveness of myself. Please forgive me for placing limitation on Your power, on Your love, on Your grace. I know that You are the only one who can heal this brokenness, who can take this self-loathing from me. I know You have blessed me through my life and even used me as a tool to bless others, even in my brokenness, even in my shame and and my sin.
Please help me to forgive myself. Please help me to put my focus on living for You again. I love You and I thank You for my many, many blessings.
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Christy, all of us, definitely including me, have done many things that we're ashamed of. We can't take them back and I don't think I'd take mine back even if I could. They play a huge part in who we are today and we wouldn't have learned the lessons we've learned without those horrible mistakes. You are such an amazing woman and you're raising your kids the right way even though it can't be easy on you.
ReplyDeleteI've enjoyed your blog even though I don't comment often. Please continue to write!
Oh, I have a book for you to read ...
ReplyDelete"Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft.
It's an EXCELLENT book describing this type of a person. The author is a psychologist (psychiatrist, maybe - I get those confused) - and although not from a Christian perspective at all (read: swear words included), this is a spot-on book. My Dad is one of those types and after having lived my whole life with him, this book was eye-opening! It doesn't really offer any solutions to help - but I think the understanding and recognizing those types is very beneficial, if for nothing else - to avoid them.
Blessings to you! Loved the prayer and insight that you have - God is definitely BIG enough to help you through this :)
(forgive my choppy sentences :)