So, as most of you know, Hunter has been in deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep trouble most of the spring.
He got suspended in March for calling a girl some pretty nasty names AND for being stupid enough to use the computer in the computer lab at school to do it. Then in April, he got suspended for getting caught with his MP3 player at school.
The assistant principal at the high school and I are on a first name basis. And that kind of sucks. Seriously wanted to fly UNDER the radar at the high school for a while, but whatev.......
Sooooooooooo, one night a couple of weeks ago, I asked Hunter to take out the garbage. It was already dark, so close to 8 pm. It took a while and I started to go look for him when I got a text - "Ran into JJ, be home in a few." Now, we had a female JJ in my high school, but this one happens to be male..... No problem.
A while later, a woman came to my door with her 5 year old - looking for her babysitter. Yep, she had come home and her 5 year old was playing outside alone - babysitter nowhere to be found. No, we had not seen her. 5 year old pipes up "She came over here - I am sure of it." Neighbor wants to come in and look around (like I have hidden her babysitter from her - lol). Nope, no Megan. Duh.
But it got me to thinking....... I did not think to ask if the babysitter was young or old. So I texted Hunter - no answer. I put my shoes on & went outside to ask him & JJ if they knew the babysitter (see I am a little slow sometimes when it comes to my kids).......
Hunter was coming up the walk, so I asked him if he knew Megan or if he had seen her. Nope, no clue - Megan? Nope, I don't know anyone named Megan. THAT should have been my first clue..... there are about a zillion and 3 Megans at his school.......
So he comes inside and we are talking.....and I am looking at him...... and suddenly, I start thinking I am going to hyperventilate.....
So I ask, "Hunter, is JJ gay?"
He looks at me like I have 3 heads. So I say "Really, it's cool if he is - I just would really like to know. I like gay people. I have friends who are homosexual. Really, so is JJ gay?"
He says "No, mom" and rolls his eyes.
I ask, "And the only person you saw was JJ?"
Hunter: "Yes - do I need to put you in the home????" (My grandmother is in assisted living - she has dementia - Hunter often tells me I will be sharing a room with her soon)
I said, "No, but I am confused - if JJ is not gay, why in the world did he put that big ole hickey on your neck?"
Hunter turned 47 shades of red, then dashed to the bathroom to look at his neck.....
I am sure you can all fill in the rest of the story. Hunter did not, in fact, run into JJ at all. He did, however, know Megan - apparently a lot better than I want him to know any girl at his age.
It was a proud moment in my life, I tell ya!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am fairly certain that he will be more careful, though, bc his sister and I have enjoyed torturing him quite a bit about it.....
Graduation party the following day - entire family, plus tons of kids from SSHS - Kaileigh announces LOUDLY "My brother has a hickey - that's why he's wearing that shirt with the collar - so you won't see it."
PRICELESS!!!!!!
I have chosen to ignore David when he says I am paying for my raising. Let's just all be glad that I am not paying for HIS raising yet.......
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Welcome to Holland and the Story of Kaileigh
Another Repost from FB - from 2009 :)
My daughter is sweet, funny, awesome. She is the most empathetic human being I have ever met. She is 5 years old now.
Kaileigh was born to a teenage girl with mental retardation among other issues. It was later discovered that the birth father was also a teenager with mental retardation. Birth mom did not get any prenatal care. Because there was a history of DHR involvement with the family, a caseworker went out on Christmas Day, 2003 to check on the family when Kaileigh was released from the hospital at the age of 3 days. That caseworker visit saved her life.
Kaileigh has multiple heart defects, asthma, an as of yet undiagnosed genetic disorder, and has very slow growth (most likely an endocrine issue - still undiagnosed, though). We see a cardiologist, pulmonologist, endocrinologist & a geneticist fairly regularly even now.
She came to live with us when she was 4 months old - she was so malnourished & tiny - she weighed the exact same weight at almost 5 months when she was released from the hospital as my older son did at birth!!!
We did not know it at the time, but she was sent home with us to die. DHR did not want her to die in the hospital alone. WOW - that was a shock to learn that. We knew she was sick, but apparently, we had our heads in the sand about a lot of it at that time. David quit his job to be home with her.
She is still a big, big Daddy's girl. Her adoption was final almost 3 years to the day after she came to live with us - it was a long, hard, painful road of its own that we will not discuss here.
Suffice it to say that EVERYONE tried to talk us out of the adoption because of the severity of her issues. The only supportive "professionals" were our original worker (Candy <3 ) and the cardiologist - who is, by the way, the BOMB - we <3 him!!!! Yet, amazingly enough, given the severity of her issues, she did not qualify for a medically fragile adoption subsidy - hmmmm...
ANYWHO...
We were told that she would never progress beyond the mental age of 3 - at best. We were told that she would die as a child due to medical issues. We have been told that she would most definitely be mentally retarded. We have been told so many things that are painful to hear as a parent - that are so untrue.
So we spend our days doing therapies instead of ballet and we spend our time with IEP teams instead of sports teams. What's wrong with that?
Kaileigh does have some developmental delays. She has muscular issues which affect her speech. She has gross & fine motor skills issues that affect her handwriting, drawing and her ability to do some tasks that other children her age do with no problems.
She is not diagnosed with mental retardation. In fact, it is just the opposite - she is very, very bright. She does still have health concerns. She always will. There are days when her issues are overwhelming - particularly when written all in one place (like an IEP for example) - but her issues do not define who she is....
When we began this journey, we saw her Bham specialists at least once a month (cardio was twice a month). Now, we see the cardio once a year and the endocrinologist & geneticist twice a year. We have not seen the pulmonologist in years (her ped monitors her asthma). She was doing 6-10 nebulizer treatments a day, year round AND was on oxygen 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Now, we do 2-4 neb treatments a day just as needed.
She is reading!!!!! This is PHENOMENAL!!!! She is so bright. She is so empathetic. She understands family relationships & feelings & emotions like no other 5 year old I have ever known.
Kaileigh loves deeply and whole-heartedly. She feels more. She understands more. She is a hugger - she is a smiler - she is a cuddler......
The essay below describes perfectly the feelings and the emotions that go along with parenting a child with special needs. I am blessed beyond measure by being Kaileigh's mother.
UPDATE:
Kaileigh is 7. We have been released from private speech therapy, occupational therapy and the endocrinologist. We currently see the cardiologist every 12-18 months and the geneticist once a year. She is repeating 1st grade at my insistence.
My daughter is sweet, funny, awesome. She is the most empathetic human being I have ever met. She is 5 years old now.
Kaileigh was born to a teenage girl with mental retardation among other issues. It was later discovered that the birth father was also a teenager with mental retardation. Birth mom did not get any prenatal care. Because there was a history of DHR involvement with the family, a caseworker went out on Christmas Day, 2003 to check on the family when Kaileigh was released from the hospital at the age of 3 days. That caseworker visit saved her life.
Kaileigh has multiple heart defects, asthma, an as of yet undiagnosed genetic disorder, and has very slow growth (most likely an endocrine issue - still undiagnosed, though). We see a cardiologist, pulmonologist, endocrinologist & a geneticist fairly regularly even now.
She came to live with us when she was 4 months old - she was so malnourished & tiny - she weighed the exact same weight at almost 5 months when she was released from the hospital as my older son did at birth!!!
We did not know it at the time, but she was sent home with us to die. DHR did not want her to die in the hospital alone. WOW - that was a shock to learn that. We knew she was sick, but apparently, we had our heads in the sand about a lot of it at that time. David quit his job to be home with her.
She is still a big, big Daddy's girl. Her adoption was final almost 3 years to the day after she came to live with us - it was a long, hard, painful road of its own that we will not discuss here.
Suffice it to say that EVERYONE tried to talk us out of the adoption because of the severity of her issues. The only supportive "professionals" were our original worker (Candy <3 ) and the cardiologist - who is, by the way, the BOMB - we <3 him!!!! Yet, amazingly enough, given the severity of her issues, she did not qualify for a medically fragile adoption subsidy - hmmmm...
ANYWHO...
We were told that she would never progress beyond the mental age of 3 - at best. We were told that she would die as a child due to medical issues. We have been told that she would most definitely be mentally retarded. We have been told so many things that are painful to hear as a parent - that are so untrue.
So we spend our days doing therapies instead of ballet and we spend our time with IEP teams instead of sports teams. What's wrong with that?
Kaileigh does have some developmental delays. She has muscular issues which affect her speech. She has gross & fine motor skills issues that affect her handwriting, drawing and her ability to do some tasks that other children her age do with no problems.
She is not diagnosed with mental retardation. In fact, it is just the opposite - she is very, very bright. She does still have health concerns. She always will. There are days when her issues are overwhelming - particularly when written all in one place (like an IEP for example) - but her issues do not define who she is....
When we began this journey, we saw her Bham specialists at least once a month (cardio was twice a month). Now, we see the cardio once a year and the endocrinologist & geneticist twice a year. We have not seen the pulmonologist in years (her ped monitors her asthma). She was doing 6-10 nebulizer treatments a day, year round AND was on oxygen 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Now, we do 2-4 neb treatments a day just as needed.
She is reading!!!!! This is PHENOMENAL!!!! She is so bright. She is so empathetic. She understands family relationships & feelings & emotions like no other 5 year old I have ever known.
Kaileigh loves deeply and whole-heartedly. She feels more. She understands more. She is a hugger - she is a smiler - she is a cuddler......
The essay below describes perfectly the feelings and the emotions that go along with parenting a child with special needs. I am blessed beyond measure by being Kaileigh's mother.
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
UPDATE:
Kaileigh is 7. We have been released from private speech therapy, occupational therapy and the endocrinologist. We currently see the cardiologist every 12-18 months and the geneticist once a year. She is repeating 1st grade at my insistence.
Friday, June 10, 2011
So, Someone Asked Me Why I Adopted Kaileigh........
Someone asked me to repost this - it is a note I wrote on FB over a year ago.......
So, Someone Asked Me Why I Adopted Kaileigh........
Out of all the children we fostered, why did we choose to adopt Kaileigh.....
Well, that is a tough question and there are many answers, but I have to say it was a TOTAL GOD THING! Really.....
When I was growing up, I went to a church that volunteered at a Boys Ranch a couple of times a month. I really was touched by that. The boys who told us what a blessing that was in their lives. I also knew a family who were foster parents. They were awesome & it really amazed me the changes that they helped bring about in those children's lives. So I know that even as a child, God was putting it on my heart to foster.
I railed against that. I did not want to do foster care. I argued with God. I just flat out refused.
So, then I had problems maintaining a pregnancy. I had Hunter, but I had been told prior to him and then again after his birth, that I would NEVER carry a child to term. And other than Hunter, I never did. I could get pregnant, but absolutely could not stay pregnant.
My then husband and I prayed about it. I felt so strongly that we were supposed to foster, but I was terrified. We decided to try to adopt. Every single door we tried SLAMMED in our faces - we were too old, too young, too poor, too well-off, too something for every agency...... The local DHR adoptions worker told me that they did not ever have children younger than 10 for adoption. Hunter was 7 - and we did not want to have a child older than him.
We took in various children from my job. I was able to do it & send them back to their families when the situations changed, but I still did not want to do foster care.
So we prayed some more. I finally broached the subject of foster care, but I was still utterly terrified.... We agreed to meet with DHR about it. I told my husband that I absolutely would NOT adopt from foster care. That it was EITHER adoption OR foster care. That that was the ONLY way I would even consider.
I always say the quickest way to get God to laugh is to tell Him what you will or will not do!
So we met with an angel - the foster family worker's name was Candy - and she was AWESOME. They were in the middle of a 10 week class when we finally were able to meet with her. She told me on the phone that we would have to wait until the fall for the next class. Halfway through our meeting, she said "We have a class tomorrow night, I want you to come. We'll catch up on the classes you have missed." So we started at week 5! LOL We did catch up, too - she caught us up in one night later that week.
She told us repeatedly that she felt like she had to hurry to get us licensed. She felt an urgency. We felt an urgency.
We decided to be licensed for boys - ages 3-8. I reminded Candy that we did not want children with major medical issues.
See, God laughs!
We finished our classes on April 29, 2004. We were still not licensed, though - we had some other stuff to finish. On May 5, we went to a Third Day concert. As we were waiting for the concert to start, we talked to a guy behind us who had brought a gaggle of teenaged girls. Turns out, he was a foster parent from our area. He told us about a baby *BOY* in the hospital with major medical problems and that DHR could not find anyone to take. David said "NO. NO WAY - not what we agreed to." I said "I know."
On May 6, Candy called. I knew what she was going to say - she had a 4 1/2 month old *GIRL* with severe heart problems, malnourished, reflux, breathing issues and losing weight..... She even said something almost unforgiveable about the baby's appearance that we will NOT repeat here..... Would we consider meeting the mom & working things through so we could be considered a family placement until they could get us licensed.
I opened my mouth to say "HEY - we talked about this, crazy lady! NO - do you hear me? NO!!!"
But I swear to you, God took over my voice & said "Sure, we will go to the hospital & meet the baby & the mom." I even said "UMM, who said that????" Candy laughed & said "YOU DID!!!!!"
We went to the hospital to meet her. Her birth mother had already left for the night by the time we got there and no one had let the nurse know we were coming. Before we met the baby, I talked to the nurse. Amazingly enough, the nurse I met had had holes in her heart repaired when she was a child, so she knew that part of it. And it reassured me to see her all grown up! :)
When we walked in the door to meet this little girl her birth mom had named Kaylie, she was hooked up to a dozen or more wires & tubes. She was this tiny little thing - she was all BIG brown eyes & wild hair. She smiled when she saw us and she reached for me. That was it; I knew I was in trouble then.
There were so many little things that made me think this was of God. Some I will share & some I will not.
A friend told me several times when I doubted myself that God had a purpose for her being in my home - whether for a day or a year or a lifetime. That kept me going day by day.
My dear sweet Ma-Maw was in the hospital when Kaileigh was placed with us & never got to meet her or hold her as she passed away in May of 2004. She told me "Christy, love that baby - just love her - don't worry about what happens later - God will take care of it all."
During Kaileigh's heart surgery when she was 9 months old, she had too much swelling and they had to leave her chest open overnight. I was devastated, but there were at least 5 families in the waiting room of UAB hospital who told me stories about their family members who had had a similar issue and were fine.
The surgeon prayed with me before & after her surgery.
Our pastor came with us & when I was telling Kaileigh's birth mother, I stayed very strong & when she walked off, Byron said to me basically - *you* are this child's mother, you are allowed to break down!
Kaileigh's birth mother offered to voluntarily surrender her rights if she could be assured that we would adopt. DHR refused, but just the fact that she offered was awesome.
The judge who heard Kaileigh's termination of parental rights case ruled on the TPR from the bench the day of the trial. He had NEVER done that in any case ever before (nor has he done it since). As a matter of fact, we were told when we found out he had the case that we would NEVER get TPR at all.
There were some complications with DHR later and I did have to contact the State Commissioner & threaten to call the Governor's office in order to get Kaileigh's adoption completed, but those were issues unrelated to Kaileigh's case & should never have affected it anyway.
Candy has told me many times that she felt that urgency to get us licensed in order to place Kaileigh in our home. I am so glad daily that God overtook my voice & said yes.
So to get back to the original question.... why did I choose to adopt Kaileigh out of all the children we fostered?
Because Kaileigh was the child God chose for me to raise.
Because Kaileigh is the child that God entrusted to me.
Because Kaileigh was, is and always will be my daughter.
So, Someone Asked Me Why I Adopted Kaileigh........
Out of all the children we fostered, why did we choose to adopt Kaileigh.....
Well, that is a tough question and there are many answers, but I have to say it was a TOTAL GOD THING! Really.....
When I was growing up, I went to a church that volunteered at a Boys Ranch a couple of times a month. I really was touched by that. The boys who told us what a blessing that was in their lives. I also knew a family who were foster parents. They were awesome & it really amazed me the changes that they helped bring about in those children's lives. So I know that even as a child, God was putting it on my heart to foster.
I railed against that. I did not want to do foster care. I argued with God. I just flat out refused.
So, then I had problems maintaining a pregnancy. I had Hunter, but I had been told prior to him and then again after his birth, that I would NEVER carry a child to term. And other than Hunter, I never did. I could get pregnant, but absolutely could not stay pregnant.
My then husband and I prayed about it. I felt so strongly that we were supposed to foster, but I was terrified. We decided to try to adopt. Every single door we tried SLAMMED in our faces - we were too old, too young, too poor, too well-off, too something for every agency...... The local DHR adoptions worker told me that they did not ever have children younger than 10 for adoption. Hunter was 7 - and we did not want to have a child older than him.
We took in various children from my job. I was able to do it & send them back to their families when the situations changed, but I still did not want to do foster care.
So we prayed some more. I finally broached the subject of foster care, but I was still utterly terrified.... We agreed to meet with DHR about it. I told my husband that I absolutely would NOT adopt from foster care. That it was EITHER adoption OR foster care. That that was the ONLY way I would even consider.
I always say the quickest way to get God to laugh is to tell Him what you will or will not do!
So we met with an angel - the foster family worker's name was Candy - and she was AWESOME. They were in the middle of a 10 week class when we finally were able to meet with her. She told me on the phone that we would have to wait until the fall for the next class. Halfway through our meeting, she said "We have a class tomorrow night, I want you to come. We'll catch up on the classes you have missed." So we started at week 5! LOL We did catch up, too - she caught us up in one night later that week.
She told us repeatedly that she felt like she had to hurry to get us licensed. She felt an urgency. We felt an urgency.
We decided to be licensed for boys - ages 3-8. I reminded Candy that we did not want children with major medical issues.
See, God laughs!
We finished our classes on April 29, 2004. We were still not licensed, though - we had some other stuff to finish. On May 5, we went to a Third Day concert. As we were waiting for the concert to start, we talked to a guy behind us who had brought a gaggle of teenaged girls. Turns out, he was a foster parent from our area. He told us about a baby *BOY* in the hospital with major medical problems and that DHR could not find anyone to take. David said "NO. NO WAY - not what we agreed to." I said "I know."
On May 6, Candy called. I knew what she was going to say - she had a 4 1/2 month old *GIRL* with severe heart problems, malnourished, reflux, breathing issues and losing weight..... She even said something almost unforgiveable about the baby's appearance that we will NOT repeat here..... Would we consider meeting the mom & working things through so we could be considered a family placement until they could get us licensed.
I opened my mouth to say "HEY - we talked about this, crazy lady! NO - do you hear me? NO!!!"
But I swear to you, God took over my voice & said "Sure, we will go to the hospital & meet the baby & the mom." I even said "UMM, who said that????" Candy laughed & said "YOU DID!!!!!"
We went to the hospital to meet her. Her birth mother had already left for the night by the time we got there and no one had let the nurse know we were coming. Before we met the baby, I talked to the nurse. Amazingly enough, the nurse I met had had holes in her heart repaired when she was a child, so she knew that part of it. And it reassured me to see her all grown up! :)
When we walked in the door to meet this little girl her birth mom had named Kaylie, she was hooked up to a dozen or more wires & tubes. She was this tiny little thing - she was all BIG brown eyes & wild hair. She smiled when she saw us and she reached for me. That was it; I knew I was in trouble then.
There were so many little things that made me think this was of God. Some I will share & some I will not.
A friend told me several times when I doubted myself that God had a purpose for her being in my home - whether for a day or a year or a lifetime. That kept me going day by day.
My dear sweet Ma-Maw was in the hospital when Kaileigh was placed with us & never got to meet her or hold her as she passed away in May of 2004. She told me "Christy, love that baby - just love her - don't worry about what happens later - God will take care of it all."
During Kaileigh's heart surgery when she was 9 months old, she had too much swelling and they had to leave her chest open overnight. I was devastated, but there were at least 5 families in the waiting room of UAB hospital who told me stories about their family members who had had a similar issue and were fine.
The surgeon prayed with me before & after her surgery.
Our pastor came with us & when I was telling Kaileigh's birth mother, I stayed very strong & when she walked off, Byron said to me basically - *you* are this child's mother, you are allowed to break down!
Kaileigh's birth mother offered to voluntarily surrender her rights if she could be assured that we would adopt. DHR refused, but just the fact that she offered was awesome.
The judge who heard Kaileigh's termination of parental rights case ruled on the TPR from the bench the day of the trial. He had NEVER done that in any case ever before (nor has he done it since). As a matter of fact, we were told when we found out he had the case that we would NEVER get TPR at all.
There were some complications with DHR later and I did have to contact the State Commissioner & threaten to call the Governor's office in order to get Kaileigh's adoption completed, but those were issues unrelated to Kaileigh's case & should never have affected it anyway.
Candy has told me many times that she felt that urgency to get us licensed in order to place Kaileigh in our home. I am so glad daily that God overtook my voice & said yes.
So to get back to the original question.... why did I choose to adopt Kaileigh out of all the children we fostered?
Because Kaileigh was the child God chose for me to raise.
Because Kaileigh is the child that God entrusted to me.
Because Kaileigh was, is and always will be my daughter.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
The Last 3 Months in Review
So I have totally been neglecting my blog, but sometimes life happens......
I've been very gripey lately, so not really in the sharing mood.
So for the last 3 months, I have been dealing with:
The IRS - who does NOT want to give me my $$$$ - I have resent my paperwork at least 3 times. I am beginning to think the auditor who has my file cannot read. Or maybe I need a job like that - where I can just continually send letters to people to send me stuff, which I either a) lose, b) burn/shred/destroy, or c) totally cannot comprehend so I make them do it again.......
The SSA - who also does NOT want to give my CHILD her money. Come on people. If she did not qualify, would I really go through the freaking red tape every single flipping year - this year has been the longest, though - they are still working on the "recertification" 5 months after it started. She had a new worker this year (surprise - not - we have a new one every 2-3 months, it seems) and she claims I did not report child support last year, so now they are going back to the time of my divorce in 2008 to recertify all of those months..... who knows when they will make a decision, but at least for now, we still have Kaileigh's health insurance intact. Oh and she qualifies for adoption subsidy through the state, but SSA would have to state that she does not qualify for SSI (no double dipping - lol) and they won't do that - so we are stuck in limbo.......
My job - this was actually the easiest - I quit. I feel better - mostly. I am still exhausted, but that is to be expected. My stress level is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay lower, though, so that's good. More time to spend with the kiddos.
My boy-child - Hunter turned 16 and got suspended AGAIN all in the same week, so that was awesome. NOT. He was grounded for a month & got his license and his BRAND NEW (to him anyway) Car - which has a 30+ gallon tank and gets like 8 miles to the gallon. Yay, DA #1. Again - NOT. It has not been so bad so far. I still get nervous, but he has been good about calling, texting and actually coming home when I expect him, so we may survive this one.
My girl-child - WOWZERS - the end of the school year hit her hard. She was released from private speech therapy & private occupational therapy, so YAY - but losing that from her routine sent her into a behavioral tailspin. We are leveling out now, thank goodness, bc really, I cannot handle child abuse......
My doctor's office - who cannot figure out how to apply a CHECK payment to an account...... I pay with a check every time I go in there. EVERY TIME - except once in April I paid cash - they have the cash payment (amazing enough since I do NOT have a receipt for it), but NONE of the check payments have applied to my account..... and the woman who "does that" is out of the office E V E R Y time I call....... YAY - NOT! And since I have been going every 2 weeks, this is a SERIOUS issue :(
New Apartment Manager - I live in an apartment whose owners are apparently fruitcakes..... Anyway, the owners decided to consolidate their properties that are side by side under the same management company instead of 2 separate management companies (why they did not do that sooner, I am not sure, but hey - whatever floats your boat). So our old apartment manager got the boot. Boooooo. The new one has these crazy-crazy-crazy office hours and took out the rent payment box, so you have to GO IN during office hours and have like a 47 hour conversation with her in order to pay the freaking rent. Yeah. I'm not loving that. AND she has changed the dates for everything. AND she sent me a notice TODAY that I need to renew my lease by the end of the week. OK - 2 issues with that. 1) My lease is not up until August and 2) YOU WILL NOT BE IN THE STUPID OFFICE THE REST OF THE WEEK, CRAZY LADY. OK - I feel better just for screaming.....
Paypal - Ugh - repeated fraudulent transactions..... Finally got all my money back, changed all my passwords but it was a pain in the behind...... OH and all the fraudulent charges came from a company that I had never heard of, but after doing a LOT of research - yeah - it is a company OWNED by Ebay - who owns Paypal. Hmmmmmmmmm - yeah. Not a happy camper over that one.
Exhaustion - mind-numbing, cannot get out of bed, devastating exhaustion........ Not sure what else to say about that. We are working on it.
And finally, I am working so hard on forgiveness. Man, this is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. David & I are still chugging along. Still have not told our families that we are discussing it much less going to counseling and all that jazz.
He has been super-helpful with the kids and here almost every afternoon to take them to the pool or to help with whatever I need help with. He is even staying with a friend in town to be closer - which helps my feelings about his family's influence over him.
BUT...... yes, there is always a but.......
It is HARD.
Probably harder than it should be because I am concerned about what people who have been through the fire with me will say. Yep, I admit it - I am an approval-seeking people pleaser. (You probably did not think of me that way, now, did you?).....
So what do you say to people who know that your husband/boyfriend/significant other has been a scumbag (yes, he will read this - yes, he knows he was a scumbag - no, you don't need to tell him) and that you are giving him yet another chance (maybe his millionth or brazillianth - small private joke there - hope you laughed after I called you a scumbag) to make things work?????
< crickets chirping >
Yeah - that's what I thought and that's why I have told VERY, VERY, VERY few people in real life. Just my friend Amy - who thinks it is a bad idea - probably only bc she did remarry her ex-husband :) and you guys...... and there are very few of you. And mostly, you don't judge or tell me you think I am stupid....... And I love you for that.
The BIGGEST issue we still have is the trust thing. Trust is HUGE for me. I am fairly certain it started with my very first boyfriend way back in kindergarten - he kissed me in the car rider waiting area........ and then I found out that he kissed another girl the VERY NEXT day......... I had a boyfriend in high school (well, I was in high school - he was in college) who called me up to dump me bc he had decided TO MARRY THE GIRL HE WAS DATING in Nashville. Yay you! NOT. Then another boyfriend in high school/college who slept with my best friend AND his college adviser. Yeah - that was a fun conversation to have. I have a very, very, very long history of boys/men that I trust hurting me.......
So, maybe that is part of why David's betrayal hurt so badly. Or maybe it was knowing that it had gone on so long. Or remembering all the times that he was unavailable to me and the kids bc he was busy texting, talking, IMing, emailing or video-chatting with the B*&^h (yeah, I know that is not nice, but I really do not care at this point). So I am struggling just a smidge with trusting that he will not start that up again.
The rest of it, we have been working on and working through. He has changed a lot - whenever he gets close to crossing a line, I will say "I see the old you" and usually that snaps him right back, but not always. We get stuck somewhat on his family. OMG - they are HORRID!!!!!!!! But they are his family and he loves them. I love them for giving him life. I despise everything they have done to him since, though!!!!!!!
It all boils down to this: I have to do what I feel is best for my children. Hunter likes David - they get along much better now and he listens to David, sometimes better than he listens to me. Kaileigh adores her daddy. Our house flows more smoothly on the days when he is here. That was NOT always the case!!!!! I want to show my children that people can change their behavior and be forgiven. They need to see that - they need to know that. And they need to see an example of a loving relationship - not a perfect one - but a loving, happy one.
We are working on it..........
I've been very gripey lately, so not really in the sharing mood.
So for the last 3 months, I have been dealing with:
The IRS - who does NOT want to give me my $$$$ - I have resent my paperwork at least 3 times. I am beginning to think the auditor who has my file cannot read. Or maybe I need a job like that - where I can just continually send letters to people to send me stuff, which I either a) lose, b) burn/shred/destroy, or c) totally cannot comprehend so I make them do it again.......
The SSA - who also does NOT want to give my CHILD her money. Come on people. If she did not qualify, would I really go through the freaking red tape every single flipping year - this year has been the longest, though - they are still working on the "recertification" 5 months after it started. She had a new worker this year (surprise - not - we have a new one every 2-3 months, it seems) and she claims I did not report child support last year, so now they are going back to the time of my divorce in 2008 to recertify all of those months..... who knows when they will make a decision, but at least for now, we still have Kaileigh's health insurance intact. Oh and she qualifies for adoption subsidy through the state, but SSA would have to state that she does not qualify for SSI (no double dipping - lol) and they won't do that - so we are stuck in limbo.......
My job - this was actually the easiest - I quit. I feel better - mostly. I am still exhausted, but that is to be expected. My stress level is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay lower, though, so that's good. More time to spend with the kiddos.
My boy-child - Hunter turned 16 and got suspended AGAIN all in the same week, so that was awesome. NOT. He was grounded for a month & got his license and his BRAND NEW (to him anyway) Car - which has a 30+ gallon tank and gets like 8 miles to the gallon. Yay, DA #1. Again - NOT. It has not been so bad so far. I still get nervous, but he has been good about calling, texting and actually coming home when I expect him, so we may survive this one.
My girl-child - WOWZERS - the end of the school year hit her hard. She was released from private speech therapy & private occupational therapy, so YAY - but losing that from her routine sent her into a behavioral tailspin. We are leveling out now, thank goodness, bc really, I cannot handle child abuse......
My doctor's office - who
New Apartment Manager - I live in an apartment whose owners are apparently fruitcakes..... Anyway, the owners decided to consolidate their properties that are side by side under the same management company instead of 2 separate management companies (why they did not do that sooner, I am not sure, but hey - whatever floats your boat). So our old apartment manager got the boot. Boooooo. The new one has these crazy-crazy-crazy office hours and took out the rent payment box, so you have to GO IN during office hours and have like a 47 hour conversation with her in order to pay the freaking rent. Yeah. I'm not loving that. AND she has changed the dates for everything. AND she sent me a notice TODAY that I need to renew my lease by the end of the week. OK - 2 issues with that. 1) My lease is not up until August and 2) YOU WILL NOT BE IN THE STUPID OFFICE THE REST OF THE WEEK, CRAZY LADY. OK - I feel better just for screaming.....
Paypal - Ugh - repeated fraudulent transactions..... Finally got all my money back, changed all my passwords but it was a pain in the behind...... OH and all the fraudulent charges came from a company that I had never heard of, but after doing a LOT of research - yeah - it is a company OWNED by Ebay - who owns Paypal. Hmmmmmmmmm - yeah. Not a happy camper over that one.
Exhaustion - mind-numbing, cannot get out of bed, devastating exhaustion........ Not sure what else to say about that. We are working on it.
And finally, I am working so hard on forgiveness. Man, this is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. David & I are still chugging along. Still have not told our families that we are discussing it much less going to counseling and all that jazz.
He has been super-helpful with the kids and here almost every afternoon to take them to the pool or to help with whatever I need help with. He is even staying with a friend in town to be closer - which helps my feelings about his family's influence over him.
BUT...... yes, there is always a but.......
It is HARD.
Probably harder than it should be because I am concerned about what people who have been through the fire with me will say. Yep, I admit it - I am an approval-seeking people pleaser. (You probably did not think of me that way, now, did you?).....
So what do you say to people who know that your husband/boyfriend/significant other has been a scumbag (yes, he will read this - yes, he knows he was a scumbag - no, you don't need to tell him) and that you are giving him yet another chance (maybe his millionth or brazillianth - small private joke there - hope you laughed after I called you a scumbag) to make things work?????
< crickets chirping >
Yeah - that's what I thought and that's why I have told VERY, VERY, VERY few people in real life. Just my friend Amy - who thinks it is a bad idea - probably only bc she did remarry her ex-husband :) and you guys...... and there are very few of you. And mostly, you don't judge or tell me you think I am stupid....... And I love you for that.
The BIGGEST issue we still have is the trust thing. Trust is HUGE for me. I am fairly certain it started with my very first boyfriend way back in kindergarten - he kissed me in the car rider waiting area........ and then I found out that he kissed another girl the VERY NEXT day......... I had a boyfriend in high school (well, I was in high school - he was in college) who called me up to dump me bc he had decided TO MARRY THE GIRL HE WAS DATING in Nashville. Yay you! NOT. Then another boyfriend in high school/college who slept with my best friend AND his college adviser. Yeah - that was a fun conversation to have. I have a very, very, very long history of boys/men that I trust hurting me.......
So, maybe that is part of why David's betrayal hurt so badly. Or maybe it was knowing that it had gone on so long. Or remembering all the times that he was unavailable to me and the kids bc he was busy texting, talking, IMing, emailing or video-chatting with the B*&^h (yeah, I know that is not nice, but I really do not care at this point). So I am struggling just a smidge with trusting that he will not start that up again.
The rest of it, we have been working on and working through. He has changed a lot - whenever he gets close to crossing a line, I will say "I see the old you" and usually that snaps him right back, but not always. We get stuck somewhat on his family. OMG - they are HORRID!!!!!!!! But they are his family and he loves them. I love them for giving him life. I despise everything they have done to him since, though!!!!!!!
It all boils down to this: I have to do what I feel is best for my children. Hunter likes David - they get along much better now and he listens to David, sometimes better than he listens to me. Kaileigh adores her daddy. Our house flows more smoothly on the days when he is here. That was NOT always the case!!!!! I want to show my children that people can change their behavior and be forgiven. They need to see that - they need to know that. And they need to see an example of a loving relationship - not a perfect one - but a loving, happy one.
We are working on it..........
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