Broken

I have always been painfully honest on this blog.... I want to continue that.  I have opened this back up, so basically anyone on the internet can read it and so I deleted some past posts and I said I was not going to write such personal things anymore. 

But I lied.

I am broken.

I am horribly, terribly broken.

In the last 3 weeks, I have just been broken.

I have been divorced for 2 years.  I know my ex-husband was a horrible, terrible ass.  I know that he was abusive and angry and sick.  I know that he had issues - too many to name here.  And I know that I am better off.

I found out 3 weeks ago yesterday that my ex-husband had stolen a bottle of a controlled substance.

And that DEVASTATED me.  And ANGERED me. And TERRIFIED me.

In the last 3 weeks, I have also been told about issues that occurred both during our marriage and after our divorce. These are not the gossipers - none of this was brought up in a "Well, you know, David did......." kind of way.  None of this was intended to hurt me.  I know this because I know these people.  I love these people.

These were things that they assumed I already knew, and in most cases, they were things I had at least suspected.  But now I have confirmation.

You would think that would make it easier.  Easier to say "OK, I am done. I am so glad we are finished."

But it doesn't.

Yes, there are days when I hate him.  There are days when I fantasize about his bloody, gory death.

But then I realize, this man has been in my life since I was 12 years old.  He was there when my first "real" boyfriend broke my heart.  I was there when his first "real" girlfriend died.  We comforted each other when a dear friend took his own life.  We went through multiple miscarriages and loss of foster children together.  We went through a devastating job loss. We adopted a beautiful, precious child.  We made a difference in the lives of over 100 children during our time as foster parents and house parents. We were lovers, best friends and family.

So it breaks me all over again to know that everything we shared through all those years was a lie. 

I know, I know - he is sick.  I know that.  I do.  I was there - I was there for the abuse, the anger, the lies, the drugs.  I was there for the doctors, the counselors, the diagnoses, the treatments.  I know how devastating mental illness is because I lived with him for all those years.  I know that a lot of this is just part of his illness.

But that does not make it easier.  That does not make it better.

Knowing it does not make the pain or the anger go away.


I found out just Friday that he has resumed an online affair.  The same woman he had an online fling with back in the early days of our marriage.

And that, on top of everything else, has broken me.

Because it makes me wonder about the last 10 years.  Did he just get better at hiding it?  Or did they really have periods of time when they had no contact?

I mean, why should it even matter at this point?  We are divorced. We are done.


When I called my friend Friday, she cried with me.  She understood.  She's been divorced.  She helped me, but I am not finished.

I am not well.

I am not finished healing.