Kaileigh's biological aunt told me today that her sister (K's birth mom) is pregnant. Again. This is the 4th time she has told me this - and the first 3 ended up not going to term (or else she was never pregnant).
I am not sure what to do with this information. I told T what I know, which is.... Since DHR forcibly terminated parental rights with Kaileigh, then they have the right and the obligation to remove this child from her custody at birth.
I am so freaked out, though. We went through this last year - I was freaked out & upset & trying to decide what I was going to do (as the adoptive mom to K, I have first "choice" whether or not to adopt if they do terminate rights for any of her birth siblings). I really do not want to go through all that craziness again.
All of those emotions.
All of that guilt.
This is going to sound horrid & I know it does. I cannot adopt another one of Krystle's children. I cannot.
I love Kaileigh. I adore her - you know that.
But deep down, in the pit of my heart & soul, I know that there is no way I want to have an infant at 37 or 38 years old. No way.
Not only that, but the probability of issues (medical, mental & learning) is high - too high. I have my hands full with Hunter, Kaileigh and the biggest kid of all - myself!!!!
I don't want to have to explain myself to DHR. I don't want to have to explain myself to Krystle. A simple "No thank you" will not cut it with them - any of them. I don't want to have to explain myself to Kaileigh some day.
I do not see any way at all that Krystle can parent a child. She was not able to do it with Kaileigh & we still see the effects of her neglect. She did not feed or care for her properly - even in the hospital with nurses directing her every step of the way, even in a home for teenaged mothers with the houseparents reminding her of everything that needs to be done.
I feel for her bc I know that she has never gotten over the pain of losing Kaileigh. She does love her. It also concerns me for Kaileigh - I mean - what if she cannot ever be a mom? What if she is more & more like Krystle as she ages, less and less able to care for herself or anyone else. It breaks my heart.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that some lucky couple out there will get the dream of their dreams if they are able to adopt Kaileigh's sibling. I know that somewhere out there there is a couple who is praying for a child and will be beyond thrilled. I know that it is for the best if that is what happens.
But that means that Kaileigh will never know her sibling (or siblings) and that hurts me, too. I know that some day I will have to tell her why I did not adopt her brother or sister, too..... I know that some day she will want to know who or where they are. I won't have those answers for her.
UGH - I really wish Tina would keep this stuff to herself until Krystle is officially in labor. There is nothing I can do about it now - other than worry it around in circles.......
Please dear God, take this worry from me! Please allow Krystle to have a healthy pregnancy this time and a healthy baby. Please help those in charge to make the best decision for Krystle and the child. Please keep Kaileigh's sibling safe. I want to give this to you, God.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Some Observations from This Week
Everyone knows how to raise a teenager - if they do not have one living in their home!!!!!
Same goes with a disabled child, any child or a pet!
Time flies - when you have an important deadline!!!!
If we are supposed to be a friendly bank, why are the pens on chains?
If it really is true "What does not break me, makes me stronger" then I should be able to beat Hercules in a wrestling match right about now.
It is better to face a problem head on - or you can do what I do..... avoid, evade & pretend it does not exist!
You can raise children in the same home, with the same rules and try to instill the same values and still end up with one who is so far off that path that you are not sure you will ever find them again!!!!!
The same faults you are most concerned with in yourself are surely to be repeated in your children!
Teenagers are God's way of reminding us of how much pain we caused our own parents!
Same goes with a disabled child, any child or a pet!
Time flies - when you have an important deadline!!!!
If we are supposed to be a friendly bank, why are the pens on chains?
If it really is true "What does not break me, makes me stronger" then I should be able to beat Hercules in a wrestling match right about now.
It is better to face a problem head on - or you can do what I do..... avoid, evade & pretend it does not exist!
You can raise children in the same home, with the same rules and try to instill the same values and still end up with one who is so far off that path that you are not sure you will ever find them again!!!!!
The same faults you are most concerned with in yourself are surely to be repeated in your children!
Teenagers are God's way of reminding us of how much pain we caused our own parents!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Conversations with a Teenager - Seriously folks, you cannot make this stuff up!!!!!
From Friday:
Me "Hunter, you have to decide - are you going hunting this weekend or not."
H - "Is it raining?"
Me "YES"
H- "I bet it will be cold, too."
Me - "Probably"
H - "Is Uncle Dale going?" (My brother Dale is the designated cook on these weekends - if he does not go, the men all starve!!! lol)
Me - "I am not sure"
(we are all slowly growing older as we wait for Hunter to speak again) -
H - "I want to go hunting, but not if it's raining or cold."
Me - "OK - I'll let them know"
H - "Don't tell them why - then they will think I'm not a REAL hunter."
(long pause)
"Maybe I should just go - you don't think I will get wet, do you?"
yeah - I did not let him go. He's blond, too, by the way!!!
From today:
Me (on phone with the ex, relaying info to the said teenager) "Dad wants to know if you want to go to dinner for Papaw's birthday"
H "Where are they going?"
Me "Not sure, but they are leaving in 20 minutes, will you be hungry?" (We had just had a HUGE lunch)
H "I don't know - depends on where they are going."
Me (after getting the info from the ex) "OK - Red Lobster?"
H "Sure, I'll go - but tell him I want dessert & an appetizer."
The Ex "Gee - tell him thanks for gracing us with his presence - glad he approves of our choice."
Me "Welcome to my world."
Aren't teens fun????
Now you know why I talk more about my 6 year old!!!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
I love my kids.
Today was Sanctity of Human Life Sunday at our church.
It made me think about my own experiences with abortion - let me explain.
I got married in 1993 while I was a college junior. 11 months later, we found out we were expecting. My then husband freaked out. We were both in college, both worked full time & had little to no money - probably bc we spent it all on take-out & CDs. LOL My parents freaked out. My then SIL freaked out bc she was supposed to have the first grandchild (she was older than my husband - still haven't figured that out). My advisor freaked out. I was at risk of losing my scholarships - bc of the morality clause - excuse me???? I WAS MARRIED!!! anyway.... back to the subject at hand......
Abortion was mentioned & immediately, I dug in & said NO.....
Hunter was born 9 months (felt more like 9 years) later - seriously - that had to have been the longest recorded pregnancy on earth.... What on earth would I do without him? He is an awesome kid. Yeah, there are days I could just smack him, but he is an awesome kid. He has a heart for God and I know he will do great things once he grows into himself...... I love my son.
Then there is Kaileigh. You guys know she was adopted. Her birth parents are both diagnosed with mental retardation. They were teens and they were not married. The families live below poverty level and she was known to have congenital heart defects before she was born. Kaileigh's birth mom was advised to abort her. DHR offered to pay for it. Medicaid offered to pay for it. The OB/GYN office offered to do it for free. I thank God every day that she refused to do it.
Kaileigh has had a rough life - she has had multiple surgeries, we do tons of breathing treatments, we do speech therapy, occupational therapy, we see 7 medical specialists regularly...... But you know what, everyone who has ever met her has been touched by her heart, her spirit. Everyone who has regular contact with her is changed for the better.
She was fearfully and wonderfully made for a purpose that God determined before He even formed the world. So were we all. I am so privileged to be the mother of this special child.
Today was Sanctity of Human Life Sunday at our church.
It made me think about my own experiences with abortion - let me explain.
I got married in 1993 while I was a college junior. 11 months later, we found out we were expecting. My then husband freaked out. We were both in college, both worked full time & had little to no money - probably bc we spent it all on take-out & CDs. LOL My parents freaked out. My then SIL freaked out bc she was supposed to have the first grandchild (she was older than my husband - still haven't figured that out). My advisor freaked out. I was at risk of losing my scholarships - bc of the morality clause - excuse me???? I WAS MARRIED!!! anyway.... back to the subject at hand......
Abortion was mentioned & immediately, I dug in & said NO.....
Hunter was born 9 months (felt more like 9 years) later - seriously - that had to have been the longest recorded pregnancy on earth.... What on earth would I do without him? He is an awesome kid. Yeah, there are days I could just smack him, but he is an awesome kid. He has a heart for God and I know he will do great things once he grows into himself...... I love my son.
Then there is Kaileigh. You guys know she was adopted. Her birth parents are both diagnosed with mental retardation. They were teens and they were not married. The families live below poverty level and she was known to have congenital heart defects before she was born. Kaileigh's birth mom was advised to abort her. DHR offered to pay for it. Medicaid offered to pay for it. The OB/GYN office offered to do it for free. I thank God every day that she refused to do it.
Kaileigh has had a rough life - she has had multiple surgeries, we do tons of breathing treatments, we do speech therapy, occupational therapy, we see 7 medical specialists regularly...... But you know what, everyone who has ever met her has been touched by her heart, her spirit. Everyone who has regular contact with her is changed for the better.
She was fearfully and wonderfully made for a purpose that God determined before He even formed the world. So were we all. I am so privileged to be the mother of this special child.
Gays Are Mad At Me
I sent my daughter to her room with a movie a little earlier than usual Thursday night bc she was EXHAUSTED.... well, and exhaustING - LOL.......
She comes back into the living room with her hands on her hips, lips poked out & asks
"Are you going to watch Gays Are Mad At Me without me, Mommy?"
Yes, my kindergartener knows that Grey's Anatomy comes on on Thursday nights apparently.
And she was right, I did watch it without her.
She is still angry about it.
She comes back into the living room with her hands on her hips, lips poked out & asks
"Are you going to watch Gays Are Mad At Me without me, Mommy?"
Yes, my kindergartener knows that Grey's Anatomy comes on on Thursday nights apparently.
And she was right, I did watch it without her.
She is still angry about it.
The Capital of Alabama
My daughter is hilarious.
Really.
Without even trying.
I am jealous.
Anywho.....
Earlier this week, I was in a rush getting her ready for school & trying desperately to get her to put on her jacket. The following is our conversation.
Me - Kaileigh, put on your jacket.
K - I don't need a jacket - it's too hot outside for a jacket, Mom. (Keep in mind it was in the 40s at this point & the high was going to be mid-50s)
Me - WHY do you think that?
K - Because I know everything.
Me - (Laughing) Oh yeah? Do you know the capital of North Dakota?
K - Uhh - that's not important, we don't live in North Dakota, MOTHER. (Yep, she has inherited my son's most annoying habit of calling me MOTHER in that drippy, sarcastic way that makes it sound like a really, really, really nasty word).
Me - Ok, then, Ms. SmartyPants, Do you know the capital of Alabama?
K - (Utterly exasperated with me, puts her hands on her hips) OF COURSE I DO, MOTHER....
Me - Well, what is it?
K - (DEEEEEEEEEP sigh) It's AUBURN, silly!!
I laughed until I hurt.
I think it is awesome that she thinks that.
I forgot to correct her.
Really.
Without even trying.
I am jealous.
Anywho.....
Earlier this week, I was in a rush getting her ready for school & trying desperately to get her to put on her jacket. The following is our conversation.
Me - Kaileigh, put on your jacket.
K - I don't need a jacket - it's too hot outside for a jacket, Mom. (Keep in mind it was in the 40s at this point & the high was going to be mid-50s)
Me - WHY do you think that?
K - Because I know everything.
Me - (Laughing) Oh yeah? Do you know the capital of North Dakota?
K - Uhh - that's not important, we don't live in North Dakota, MOTHER. (Yep, she has inherited my son's most annoying habit of calling me MOTHER in that drippy, sarcastic way that makes it sound like a really, really, really nasty word).
Me - Ok, then, Ms. SmartyPants, Do you know the capital of Alabama?
K - (Utterly exasperated with me, puts her hands on her hips) OF COURSE I DO, MOTHER....
Me - Well, what is it?
K - (DEEEEEEEEEP sigh) It's AUBURN, silly!!
I laughed until I hurt.
I think it is awesome that she thinks that.
I forgot to correct her.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Autumn Cleaning
Well, we have all heard of spring cleaning - I am doing some serious autumn cleaning.....
I am cleaning out my closet tomorrow - and dumping all the clothes I will never wear, getting rid of the clothes that are 4 sizes too big from the weight I lost last year and getting rid of the shoes that I no longer love. I was just holding onto them because I was certain I would fail - that I would regain all of that weight & need those clothes. I have more faith in myself than that right now.
I am cleaning up my schedule - getting rid of the serious time wasters and adding in some more family time and more quiet time. Seriously, why do we hold onto old habits - bad habits - is it just because we have always done it that way? I am learning the art of saying "no" and protecting MY time with my kids.
I have cleaned up my TIVO - this one hurt A LOT - along the line of the time wasters, I now only TIVO stuff I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to watch AND we are ONLY watching TIVOed shows. This is one of those OLD BAD habits - the TV was on to drown out what we did not want to discuss, see or hear.... TV is a tool to use, just like this computer is a tool, now I will use them to serve me - not me to serve them.....
I have come clean about something that had been weighing heavily on me - and tossed out the anger and the shame that went along with it. WOW - it is amazing how much anger one can feel over certain situations and how much shame - how much we do not want others to know when we have been manipulated and taken advantage of.
I have also cleansed myself of a toxic relationship. I finally feel released from my marriage by God. I am free of that whole situation. I hope that somewhere down the line, I will know why God held me to that commitment for as long as he did, even after the legal divorce was final, but for now, I will just be happy that He has released me. We will remain friendly - we have been friends for close to 25 years and we have a child to consider - but he ended the marriage long ago - the divorce last year was really a formality. Thanks be to God that He showed me that - that He allowed me to see the truth and that He gave me the strength to make the decisions I have had to make in this situation.
I am so very thankful to God for all the blessings of my life. My children are the joy of my existence. My son is a brilliant, empathetic creature who cares so much for others. My daughter is a walking miracle - she is kind-hearted and emotional and, oh my, does she love Jesus with all her heart! I am relatively healthy. I have a job that not only provides comic relief, but also provides me with money to care for my kids and the time to spend with them.
A friend sent me a very awesome e-mail last week & this is an excerpt from it. I want to leave you with this bc it was very powerful for me. (I think it is TD Jakes, but I am not positive):
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.. You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .......
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth......
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you.
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.....
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction... ..
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.... ...
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him.........
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship. ....
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. ....
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed ............
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
I am cleaning out my closet tomorrow - and dumping all the clothes I will never wear, getting rid of the clothes that are 4 sizes too big from the weight I lost last year and getting rid of the shoes that I no longer love. I was just holding onto them because I was certain I would fail - that I would regain all of that weight & need those clothes. I have more faith in myself than that right now.
I am cleaning up my schedule - getting rid of the serious time wasters and adding in some more family time and more quiet time. Seriously, why do we hold onto old habits - bad habits - is it just because we have always done it that way? I am learning the art of saying "no" and protecting MY time with my kids.
I have cleaned up my TIVO - this one hurt A LOT - along the line of the time wasters, I now only TIVO stuff I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to watch AND we are ONLY watching TIVOed shows. This is one of those OLD BAD habits - the TV was on to drown out what we did not want to discuss, see or hear.... TV is a tool to use, just like this computer is a tool, now I will use them to serve me - not me to serve them.....
I have come clean about something that had been weighing heavily on me - and tossed out the anger and the shame that went along with it. WOW - it is amazing how much anger one can feel over certain situations and how much shame - how much we do not want others to know when we have been manipulated and taken advantage of.
I have also cleansed myself of a toxic relationship. I finally feel released from my marriage by God. I am free of that whole situation. I hope that somewhere down the line, I will know why God held me to that commitment for as long as he did, even after the legal divorce was final, but for now, I will just be happy that He has released me. We will remain friendly - we have been friends for close to 25 years and we have a child to consider - but he ended the marriage long ago - the divorce last year was really a formality. Thanks be to God that He showed me that - that He allowed me to see the truth and that He gave me the strength to make the decisions I have had to make in this situation.
I am so very thankful to God for all the blessings of my life. My children are the joy of my existence. My son is a brilliant, empathetic creature who cares so much for others. My daughter is a walking miracle - she is kind-hearted and emotional and, oh my, does she love Jesus with all her heart! I am relatively healthy. I have a job that not only provides comic relief, but also provides me with money to care for my kids and the time to spend with them.
A friend sent me a very awesome e-mail last week & this is an excerpt from it. I want to leave you with this bc it was very powerful for me. (I think it is TD Jakes, but I am not positive):
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.. You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .......
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth......
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you.
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.....
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction... ..
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.... ...
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him.........
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship. ....
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. ....
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed ............
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
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