Facebook is Not So Bad......

Facebook gets a bad rap, but it is a social network.

Today, I was reminded of how small this world is. 

Yesterday, I posted a prayer request for Kaileigh's baby sister.  Today, a girl who went to middle school with my brother (who I BARELY remember, but who is friends with 87 of my friends, so she is my friend - lol) called me to ask me Kaileigh's birthmother's name because......

Her niece is engaged to a guy whose ex-girlfriend had a baby Thursday & DHR picked up the baby today. 

It is the same baby.

My brother's friend put me in touch with her sister-in-law, who put me in touch with her daughter & her fiance, who is the supposed father.....

The dad had me talk to his mom, Shannon......

I was not even the least bit surprised that Krystal had lied about Kaileigh.  I was not even the least bit surprised to find out a lot of the information she shared with me.

They go to court tomorrow to get the ball rolling on the DNA testing.....

I am praying all the way around.  I don't know these people at all.  I have faith that there was a reason I was put in contact with them. 

I hope that the information I gave them helps them and does not burden them.  I wish so much I could be in court tomorrow. 

Soooooooooooo Very Tired.......

Seriously, I am just worn down.....

Last Wednesday, Kaileigh had a doctor's appointment in Bham & we decided to make a day of it - bargain shopping.  Yeah, that was a *great* idea..... we both ended up sick.....  I think it was from exhaustion more than anything else : )

Hunter went out with my parents on Thursday - and got home after midnight & ended up with a migraine Friday - again, probably from exhaustion or lack of sleep..... 

Yes, those are both courtesy of Dr. Christy - I got my MD from the school of hard knocks and from experience as a foster parent.....

Anywho.....

So, David.

What can I say about David?

I can say that he is still going to church at Harvestfield.  I can say that I have not been in like 3 weeks and I am 99% certain it is because he is there.  Just the idea of even smiling & nodding when people talk about how great it is that he is there makes my head hurt.  The idea of calling him some choice names & letting people know what I think of him being there makes me feel better, but worse - KWIM?

I can say that his transmission went out in his van and the starter went out in his car.  And he had his Mommy fix them both AND rent him a car.

I wonder if his Mommy will pay me the $10,000 in back child support he owes?  Maybe I should ask her......

He did start a second job that is supposed to be for the purpose of paying me back, but we'll see how that plays out.......

Just Checking In

David has been helping out with the kids a lot in the afternoons since I have been down with my back....

It is starting to get on my nerves.

At first, he was all helpful - you know doing homework, washing dishes, doing laundry, etc.  But since he has figured out that I am not too keen on the idea of us reconciling, he has just been hanging out.

That is NOT helpful, so it will have to end soon!!!!


Speaking of my back, it is doing some better..... I have been going to the chiropractor for 2 full weeks.  Yep, still have pain & some days it is still pretty excruciating, but today it is more of a dull ache, which is a vast improvement.

I hope this will work.  Shots have never worked as well, so we shall see.


And I hate my job.  That is all I want to say about that - other than I need a job where I can make what I make now & only work16 hours a week (preferably just 2 days)...... yeah, that's what I figured, dang it.  I canNOT wait for my supervisor to come back to work - one week down, 8 to go .........Yes, I may cry.......

Long Time, No Blog

I have been working on some personal issues and have not been blogging.....


I am pleased to announce that even though I still have days or moments of overwhelming regret, I have slowly stopped loathing myself! :)  I am still working towards complete forgiveness of myself.  I recognize that the past is the past and that no matter what I do, I cannot change anything I have done.  My 19 year old self made choices that my 37 year old self would never have made, but I have punished myself enough for it, I believe.


There is more news - but I am not quite ready to share it yet.......


More later! :)

Hunter is Driving......

Yeah.


That pretty much sums it up.


WOW!  


It is amazing.  




I am not sure how my mom did this *THREE* times......


I am not going to survive this.  

There. Is. Not. Enough. Alcohol. In. The. World.


And yes, I actually said that to my 15 year old.


He said I was an awesome mom - I preferred NOT to hear the sarcasm as he said it, turning right into our street on 2 wheels at like 50 miles per hour.

Facebook Withdrawals

I am locked out of my FB account "for site maintenance" - hmmmmmm.......

So I am having withdrawals.

And still getting notification emails which I cannot respond to or anything....

I hate FB today!!!!!!!

Being Honest With Myself is HARD!

So, I have been having a lot of issues with my ex-husband not doing what he should and hurting my kid.  He expects me to be at his beck and call for visitation, he expects me to explain over and over and over to Kaileigh why he is a slacker.  It drives me bonkers.


So, my best friend listens to me whine and is always, always, always supportive and tells me she understands.  I know she does bc she has been there/done that more than once herself.


This week - she held ME responsible for all of it.....


And
She.
Is.
Right.


Yep, that's right.  This is my fault.


So this is what she wrote me:
CHRISTY, this is not about everybody else's feelings.  This is one of those icky dances we do when we are in abusive relationships.  We get something out of it, or we would quit. STOP LETTING HIM DICTATE VISITATION. Follow the agreement or stop bitching about it. STOP LETTING HIM GET TO YOU!  If he wants to voluntarily surrender, LET HIM. Stop worrying about Kaileigh's feelings - this is not about Kaileigh - it is about David's desire to control you & you allowing it because you get something out of it.  Figure that out & get some peace. Love you!


So what am I getting out of it besides a raging headache?


I am not sure.


I do know that I have a pattern of controlling and/or abusive relationships.  


From the first guy I ever dated to the last guy I dated after my second divorce (oh & there were a lot of them in between)..... I tend to end up with the same type of person.  


Oh, they all exhibit it in different ways, but they are all the same.  Controlling, angry, disturbed individuals.


Why?

Oh yeah - maybe that is it......because I am a terrible, icky, horrible person who has done some terribly, icky, horrible things in my life.  Things we will not recount here.  Things I am terribly ashamed of.  Things that have scarred me deeply.


Being honest with myself about it is hard.  Being honest with anyone else about it may be impossible.


But mainly, it is because I do not forgive.  I do not forgive myself.  I relive and rehash these mistakes over and over.  Because of these mistake, there is a large part of me that believes that I do not deserve forgiveness from God.  I do not deserve to live, much less live happily, and definitely not in God's grace.  

How arrogant of me - to think that my all-powerful, all-mighty God would not extend His grace to me because my sin was so horrible.  Who am I that I am *that* important  that God would choose to say "No, I will not forgive you."  How arrogant of me, indeed.  That was a serious slap in the face for me.  A wake-up call.  



This is my prayer today:

Dear God, 
Please forgive my arrogance, my unforgiveness of myself.  Please forgive me for placing limitation on Your power, on Your love, on Your grace.  I know that You are the only one who can heal this brokenness, who can take this self-loathing from me.  I know You have blessed me through my life and even used me as a tool to bless others, even in my brokenness, even in my shame and and my sin.
Please help me to forgive myself.  Please help me to put my focus on living for You again.  I love You and I thank You for my many, many blessings.