Presence vs Presents......

A really crappy dad I know wrote this as his facebook status recently.....“Your children need your presence more than your presents.” ~Jesse Jackson"

And while I agree with the sentiment, it really started me thinking - because I know what kind of dad he is - he is not present nor does he give many presents to his child.  As a matter of fact, he never spends his parenting time with his daughter, his parents and sister and brother buy the child's clothing, and his parents have always provided the child's Christmas, while his sister-in-law has always done the Easter baskets, etc. 

So I was fuming about this and discussed it with David.  And he applied it to relationships as well.  And that is true - friends, children, parents, spouses, etc - we all need your presence more than your presents, but it is so much fun to get presents!  lol 

Anyway, we talked about how little time we spend together.  That is not getting better since he has started his new job, it has gotten worse..... but we have a plan.  And his new job will actually help with that since he will have 2-4 days off in the middle of the week while the kids are at school once he finishes his training. :)  We can have a "date night" in the afternoon every week - instead of the once a month or rare once in a blue moon like a lot of couples seem to have.  It starts today, so we'll see how it goes!

Also, David has been buying me gifts..... you have to understand that during our entire courtship/marriage, he was a TERRIBLE gift buyer.  Seriously terrible..... I know that may sound ungrateful or something, but seriously bad.... 

He did buy a few pieces of jewelry that I loved, but once he caught on that I liked those, he bought the same ring and pendant in EVERY stone available..... it was overwhelming and repetitive.  It reminds me of the conversation I had with my sister-in-law about how many bottles of Stetson and Alabama T-shirts I could really buy for my dad before I slit my wrists......  anyway......

So, David has been buying me gifts - big gifts......

He bought me a laptop. :)  Woot!  I needed a new one and was not wanting to spend the money.... then I stuck my thumb through the screen of my beautiful pink laptop ......So he bought me a new one and had it delivered to me directly......

Then he bought me a new Kindle <3  It just came yesterday and I love it!!!  I had one, but it was Wifi only.  This is the 3G one and has "Special Offers" aka COUPONS!!!!  LOL  So, he is getting better.....



And then 2 weeks ago, he bought this......

 

It looks suspiciously like an engagement ring and I suspect that that is what he intended.  BUT I am not ready to decide anything right now, so we have avoided calling it anything.....  It means simply means that he is getting better with the gift buying :)

School Has Started with a VENGEANCE

I cannot even hear myself think.....


I was so ready for school to start, but I forgot that meant I would be.....

... getting up at the buttcrack of dawn
... chasing down backpacks, lunchboxes, left shoes and all that stuff that I thought I had gotten together the night before
... dealing with the idiot patrol at morning drop-off
... dealing with rude jerkfaces who obviously cannot read in afternoon pick up
... volunteering
... helping with homework
... taking forgotten items to school
... getting to know the new assistant principal at the high school
... paying a zillion dollars in fees
... chasing down non-existent items on school supply lists
... did I mention getting up at the buttcrack of dawn??????

So for now, let's just say 10 down, 170 to go...............

And Then the Other Shoe Fell.......

Well.................

David's mother finally responded to his e-mail.  It was not as bad as he was afraid of.  But it was not awesome either.

She has "no idea" what on earth she could have ever done to hurt anyone's feelings.......

And she has known about his drug use since he was a teenager.  The stealing and lying, she claims to have known for his whole life.

She says she is happy for us to reconcile but who knows how she really feels, so that is good and I will try my darnedest to focus on the positive.......

But.......

She wrote "I did not feel it was my place to address these faults of yours."

Ok - I am sorry, but I have a 16 year old...... if I knew he was lying, stealing or using drugs, you can bet your bottom dollar it would be MY place to at least discuss it with him.

What kind of mother continues to give large amounts of money to a teenager, young adult and later a family man that she KNOWS has a drug problem????????

What kind of mother knows that her teenager is using drugs, alcohol, lying and stealing and does not at least say "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING??????????"

Really???????

Her solution was to pretend it was not happening and to pray that he would see the light.

He has.

Unfortunately, it came after 27 years, 2 failed marriages and one child's broken heart........

I was initially angry that she was holding a grudge about me yelling at her to stop feeding Kaileigh milk products 7 years ago and for continually reminding everyone she ever met that she has 3 "REAL" grandchildren and an "Adopted" grandchild - always whispered, like I remember people whispering the word cancer when I was growing up, like it is shameful and catching.......
And for treating me like crap.  And for treating Hunter and Kaileigh differently than her other grandchildren.

I really have been angry for a long time about all of that............

But now, now, I am LIVID for the devastation her "love of her son" caused in his life, in my life, in my children's lives........

At least before, I could pretend that she had no clue..........now, I know she is just a sucky human being.

Family - Can't Live With 'Em, Can't Push 'Em Off a Cliff (Can we???)

Wow - long time, no update.  We are puttering along.......

David finally finished AND sent the email to his family that he has been working on for months.  It has been over a year since the therapist recommended he write it.  He sent it yesterday and it has stirred up quite a bit of nastiness over there.

Just the breakdown - David took responsibility for his actions for his whole life - the lies, the booze, the drugs, the abuse, the women - all of it.  This sucker was about 4 pages long.  In one TINY paragraph, he says this:

I did not stand up for Christy when we were married.  I allowed way too much family of origin influence over us.  I also put my relationships with you above my relationships with Christy and our children.  I always put your feelings above theirs.   I could sit here and list a million hurts that you have heaped upon Christy, Hunter, Kaileigh and other children we had in our home, but I won’t.  You know what you have done.  I know what you have done.  God knows what you have done.  I love you and I forgive you, but just know that it will no longer be tolerated. 

Guess which part his crazy sister has fixated on???????

Yep - you guessed it - those few sentences above.

  

Now, I am a manipulative, controlling, evil, brainwashing. venom-spewing bitch.  And let's not forget how I caused her now dead husband's cancer (yes, that is the way SHE refers to him "my dead husband" - creepy).  

Oh and the fact that when he responded to her crazy rant, and said this:

Your behavior is a large part of why Christy chose not to spend a great deal of time with our family.  And we argued about that often while we were married.  I was not supportive of her.  I see now that that was destructive.  I chose to ignore things that hurt my family so that I did not have to confront the truth about myself.  

THAT said to her that he is transferring all the blame for his drug use to her.  WTH?????? 

I have a friend who says she has started saying random crap like "I wear pickles" or "I have an umbrella" when people say crazy crap to her, but I would be afraid they would think that was like totally normal.......

I am proud of David - he has responded appropriately each time and now that she has rapidly digressed to the point of delusional, he has given up.  He is upset, but not destroyed.  He is not blaming me (which is a HUGE first).

So here is MY response that I will probably never send....

Wow.  I want to first apologize for giving Ken cancer.  I am really not sure how I did it and I want to harness that power, so could you explain it to me in human terms or doctor terms or in any terms.  Because if I can give people cancer at will, I am so totally doing that.  You'll probably be first, but hey, you won't mind, right?

Now, onto the rest of it.  You're right.  I am an evil controlling bitch because I would not let your mother feed my deathly allergic, medically fragile child milk products when she was 6 months old.  Next time, I will let her kill my kid so as not to hurt her feelings.  Thank you for pointing that out to me.  I will also let her call her Katelynn and write her name as Katelynn for the rest of Kaileigh's life - heck, maybe we should just change Kaileigh's name and identity since no one seems to "remember" it anyway.

Oh and you are right.  Kaileigh is fake.  She is made of latex - I thought she looked pretty lifelike when I bought her, though.......  And honestly, you are right about the fact that she is not a "real" Kendrick, too.  She is too sweet, kind and beautiful to be related to the lot of you.

And you are also right, I do brainwash my kids into saying things like "please", "thank you", "ma'am" and "sir."  You should probably call DHR.  Especially since I have taught them how to have a conversation with adults instead of grunting, pointing and cursing.  

Again, you are right (wow - you are on a roll)...... my children are spoiled with love, and unappreciative of anyone who calls them trolls.  They are just funny that way.  Not sure why they don't like it.  I love it when you call me a bitch.  I'll have the kids work on that.

And as for the venom-spewing, oh, honey.  That is all you.  But I should keep my mouth shut, really.  I know that.  I know before I open my mouth to shut you up that it will not go well.  But here is the thing.  I will NEVER allow you to abuse, debase or ridicule me, my children or your brother again.  If you don't like the fact that I stand up to you, tough.  Because I will protect my family with my life.  I am sorry that you have no soul and you think it is OK to treat people like crap, but it is not. 

And as for knowing that your brother had a drug problem and still giving him money.  THAT is the definition of enabling.  You enabled him when his therapist and I had him on a plan that included him having access to no money.  We could possibly have not had to go through this whole painful divorce, hitting rock bottom and trying to drag himself out of it alone since apparently you and your family are "done with him" if he chooses to do the right thing by his wife and his daughter if you would have just DONE WHAT WE ALL ASKED YOU TO DO.  But no, you want everyone to be as miserable as you are.  And I don't know that I can EVER forgive you for enabling his addiction.  Ever.

I know you hate me.  You have made that clear over the years.  I know you do not care in the least about me and our children.  But I thought you loved your brother.  You could at least be civil.  It would not kill you, nor would it kill you to teach your children to be civil.  I assure you, I will not be around much since David and I agree that it is not healthy for me and the kids to be exposed to such toxicity.

I love David very much.  Whatever else you think of me, you know that is true.  I cannot stand to see him hurting like he is over this.  Yes, he and I have issues.  No, they are not all his fault.  Yes, we are working on those.  No, they are none of your business. Do not be stubbornly refusing to support him in his recovery because you do not approve of his relationship with me and our kids.   Especially since there are no guarantees in this life.

By Request - a Story About Hunter, Hunter, Hunter........

So, as most of you know, Hunter has been in deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep trouble most of the spring. 

He got suspended in March for calling a girl some pretty nasty names AND for being stupid enough to use the computer in the computer lab at school to do it.  Then in April, he got suspended for getting caught with his MP3 player at school.

The assistant principal at the high school and I are on a first name basis.  And that kind of sucks.  Seriously wanted to fly UNDER the radar at the high school for a while, but whatev.......

Sooooooooooo, one night a couple of weeks ago, I asked Hunter to take out the garbage.  It was already dark, so close to 8 pm.  It took a while and I started to go look for him when I got a text - "Ran into JJ, be home in a few."  Now, we had a female JJ in my high school, but this one happens to be male.....  No problem.

A while later, a woman came to my door with her 5 year old - looking for her babysitter.  Yep, she had come home and her 5 year old was playing outside alone - babysitter nowhere to be found.  No, we had not seen her.  5 year old pipes up "She came over here - I am sure of it."  Neighbor wants to come in and look around (like I have hidden her babysitter from her - lol).  Nope, no Megan.  Duh.

But it got me to thinking.......  I did not think to ask if the babysitter was young or old.  So I texted Hunter - no answer.  I put my shoes on & went outside to ask him & JJ if they knew the babysitter (see I am a little slow sometimes when it comes to my kids).......

Hunter was coming up the walk, so I asked him if he knew Megan or if he had seen her.  Nope, no clue - Megan?  Nope, I don't know anyone named Megan.  THAT should have been my first clue..... there are about a zillion and 3 Megans at his school.......

So he comes inside and we are talking.....and I am looking at him...... and suddenly, I start thinking I am going to hyperventilate.....

So I ask, "Hunter, is JJ gay?" 

He looks at me like I have 3 heads.  So I say "Really, it's cool if he is - I just would really like to know.  I like gay people.  I have friends who are homosexual.  Really, so is JJ gay?"

He says "No, mom" and rolls his eyes.

I ask, "And the only person you saw was JJ?" 

Hunter: "Yes - do I need to put you in the home????" (My grandmother is in assisted living - she has dementia - Hunter often tells me I will be sharing a room with her soon)

I said, "No, but I am confused - if JJ is not gay, why in the world did he put that big ole hickey on your neck?"

Hunter turned 47 shades of red, then dashed to the bathroom to look at his neck.....

I am sure you can all fill in the rest of the story.  Hunter did not, in fact, run into JJ at all.  He did, however, know Megan - apparently a lot better than I want him to know any girl at his age.

It was a proud moment in my life, I tell ya!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am fairly certain that he will be more careful, though, bc his sister and I have enjoyed torturing him quite a bit about it.....

Graduation party the following day - entire family, plus tons of kids from SSHS - Kaileigh announces LOUDLY "My brother has a hickey - that's why he's wearing that shirt with the collar - so you won't see it." 

PRICELESS!!!!!!

I have chosen to ignore David when he says I am paying for my raising.  Let's just all be glad that I am not paying for HIS raising yet.......

Welcome to Holland and the Story of Kaileigh

Another Repost from FB - from 2009 :)



My daughter is sweet, funny, awesome. She is the most empathetic human being I have ever met. She is 5 years old now.

Kaileigh was born to a teenage girl with mental retardation among other issues. It was later discovered that the birth father was also a teenager with mental retardation. Birth mom did not get any prenatal care. Because there was a history of DHR involvement with the family, a caseworker went out on Christmas Day, 2003 to check on the family when Kaileigh was released from the hospital at the age of 3 days. That caseworker visit saved her life.

Kaileigh has multiple heart defects, asthma, an as of yet undiagnosed genetic disorder, and has very slow growth (most likely an endocrine issue - still undiagnosed, though). We see a cardiologist, pulmonologist, endocrinologist & a geneticist fairly regularly even now.

She came to live with us when she was 4 months old - she was so malnourished & tiny - she weighed the exact same weight at almost 5 months when she was released from the hospital as my older son did at birth!!!


We did not know it at the time, but she was sent home with us to die. DHR did not want her to die in the hospital alone. WOW - that was a shock to learn that. We knew she was sick, but apparently, we had our heads in the sand about a lot of it at that time. David quit his job to be home with her.

She is still a big, big Daddy's girl. Her adoption was final almost 3 years to the day after she came to live with us - it was a long, hard, painful road of its own that we will not discuss here.

Suffice it to say that EVERYONE tried to talk us out of the adoption because of the severity of her issues. The only supportive "professionals" were our original worker (Candy <3 ) and the cardiologist - who is, by the way, the BOMB - we <3 him!!!! Yet, amazingly enough, given the severity of her issues, she did not qualify for a medically fragile adoption subsidy - hmmmm...

ANYWHO...

We were told that she would never progress beyond the mental age of 3 - at best. We were told that she would die as a child due to medical issues. We have been told that she would most definitely be mentally retarded. We have been told so many things that are painful to hear as a parent - that are so untrue.

So we spend our days doing therapies instead of ballet and we spend our time with IEP teams instead of sports teams. What's wrong with that?

Kaileigh does have some developmental delays. She has muscular issues which affect her speech. She has gross & fine motor skills issues that affect her handwriting, drawing and her ability to do some tasks that other children her age do with no problems.

She is not diagnosed with mental retardation. In fact, it is just the opposite - she is very, very bright. She does still have health concerns. She always will. There are days when her issues are overwhelming - particularly when written all in one place (like an IEP for example) - but her issues do not define who she is....

When we began this journey, we saw her Bham specialists at least once a month (cardio was twice a month). Now, we see the cardio once a year and the endocrinologist & geneticist twice a year. We have not seen the pulmonologist in years (her ped monitors her asthma). She was doing 6-10 nebulizer treatments a day, year round AND was on oxygen 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Now, we do 2-4 neb treatments a day just as needed.

She is reading!!!!! This is PHENOMENAL!!!! She is so bright. She is so empathetic. She understands family relationships & feelings & emotions like no other 5 year old I have ever known.

Kaileigh loves deeply and whole-heartedly. She feels more. She understands more. She is a hugger - she is a smiler - she is a cuddler......

The essay below describes perfectly the feelings and the emotions that go along with parenting a child with special needs. I am blessed beyond measure by being Kaileigh's mother.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

UPDATE:

Kaileigh is 7. We have been released from private speech therapy, occupational therapy and the endocrinologist. We currently see the cardiologist every 12-18 months and the geneticist once a year. She is repeating 1st grade at my insistence.

So, Someone Asked Me Why I Adopted Kaileigh........

Someone asked me to repost this - it is a note I wrote on FB over a year ago.......


So, Someone Asked Me Why I Adopted Kaileigh........

Out of all the children we fostered, why did we choose to adopt Kaileigh.....

Well, that is a tough question and there are many answers, but I have to say it was a TOTAL GOD THING! Really.....

When I was growing up, I went to a church that volunteered at a Boys Ranch a couple of times a month. I really was touched by that. The boys who told us what a blessing that was in their lives. I also knew a family who were foster parents. They were awesome & it really amazed me the changes that they helped bring about in those children's lives. So I know that even as a child, God was putting it on my heart to foster.

I railed against that. I did not want to do foster care. I argued with God. I just flat out refused.

So, then I had problems maintaining a pregnancy. I had Hunter, but I had been told prior to him and then again after his birth, that I would NEVER carry a child to term. And other than Hunter, I never did. I could get pregnant, but absolutely could not stay pregnant.

My then husband and I prayed about it. I felt so strongly that we were supposed to foster, but I was terrified. We decided to try to adopt. Every single door we tried SLAMMED in our faces - we were too old, too young, too poor, too well-off, too something for every agency...... The local DHR adoptions worker told me that they did not ever have children younger than 10 for adoption. Hunter was 7 - and we did not want to have a child older than him.

We took in various children from my job. I was able to do it & send them back to their families when the situations changed, but I still did not want to do foster care.

So we prayed some more. I finally broached the subject of foster care, but I was still utterly terrified.... We agreed to meet with DHR about it. I told my husband that I absolutely would NOT adopt from foster care. That it was EITHER adoption OR foster care. That that was the ONLY way I would even consider.

I always say the quickest way to get God to laugh is to tell Him what you will or will not do!

So we met with an angel - the foster family worker's name was Candy - and she was AWESOME. They were in the middle of a 10 week class when we finally were able to meet with her. She told me on the phone that we would have to wait until the fall for the next class. Halfway through our meeting, she said "We have a class tomorrow night, I want you to come. We'll catch up on the classes you have missed." So we started at week 5! LOL We did catch up, too - she caught us up in one night later that week.
She told us repeatedly that she felt like she had to hurry to get us licensed. She felt an urgency. We felt an urgency.

We decided to be licensed for boys - ages 3-8. I reminded Candy that we did not want children with major medical issues.

See, God laughs!

We finished our classes on April 29, 2004. We were still not licensed, though - we had some other stuff to finish. On May 5, we went to a Third Day concert. As we were waiting for the concert to start, we talked to a guy behind us who had brought a gaggle of teenaged girls. Turns out, he was a foster parent from our area. He told us about a baby *BOY* in the hospital with major medical problems and that DHR could not find anyone to take. David said "NO. NO WAY - not what we agreed to." I said "I know."

On May 6, Candy called. I knew what she was going to say - she had a 4 1/2 month old *GIRL* with severe heart problems, malnourished, reflux, breathing issues and losing weight..... She even said something almost unforgiveable about the baby's appearance that we will NOT repeat here..... Would we consider meeting the mom & working things through so we could be considered a family placement until they could get us licensed.

I opened my mouth to say "HEY - we talked about this, crazy lady! NO - do you hear me? NO!!!"

But I swear to you, God took over my voice & said "Sure, we will go to the hospital & meet the baby & the mom." I even said "UMM, who said that????" Candy laughed & said "YOU DID!!!!!"

We went to the hospital to meet her. Her birth mother had already left for the night by the time we got there and no one had let the nurse know we were coming. Before we met the baby, I talked to the nurse. Amazingly enough, the nurse I met had had holes in her heart repaired when she was a child, so she knew that part of it. And it reassured me to see her all grown up! :)

When we walked in the door to meet this little girl her birth mom had named Kaylie, she was hooked up to a dozen or more wires & tubes. She was this tiny little thing - she was all BIG brown eyes & wild hair. She smiled when she saw us and she reached for me. That was it; I knew I was in trouble then.

There were so many little things that made me think this was of God. Some I will share & some I will not.

A friend told me several times when I doubted myself that God had a purpose for her being in my home - whether for a day or a year or a lifetime. That kept me going day by day.

My dear sweet Ma-Maw was in the hospital when Kaileigh was placed with us & never got to meet her or hold her as she passed away in May of 2004. She told me "Christy, love that baby - just love her - don't worry about what happens later - God will take care of it all."

During Kaileigh's heart surgery when she was 9 months old, she had too much swelling and they had to leave her chest open overnight. I was devastated, but there were at least 5 families in the waiting room of UAB hospital who told me stories about their family members who had had a similar issue and were fine.

The surgeon prayed with me before & after her surgery.

Our pastor came with us & when I was telling Kaileigh's birth mother, I stayed very strong & when she walked off, Byron said to me basically - *you* are this child's mother, you are allowed to break down!

Kaileigh's birth mother offered to voluntarily surrender her rights if she could be assured that we would adopt. DHR refused, but just the fact that she offered was awesome.

The judge who heard Kaileigh's termination of parental rights case ruled on the TPR from the bench the day of the trial. He had NEVER done that in any case ever before (nor has he done it since). As a matter of fact, we were told when we found out he had the case that we would NEVER get TPR at all.

There were some complications with DHR later and I did have to contact the State Commissioner & threaten to call the Governor's office in order to get Kaileigh's adoption completed, but those were issues unrelated to Kaileigh's case & should never have affected it anyway.

Candy has told me many times that she felt that urgency to get us licensed in order to place Kaileigh in our home. I am so glad daily that God overtook my voice & said yes.


So to get back to the original question.... why did I choose to adopt Kaileigh out of all the children we fostered?

Because Kaileigh was the child God chose for me to raise.
Because Kaileigh is the child that God entrusted to me.
Because Kaileigh was, is and always will be my daughter.