Family

Yes, we live......

We have had a long year..... let's just leave it at that for now.

I want to talk about this man:

William Lawton Kendrick.  Known as Lawton to friends, Dad to David and GrandDad to my kids.

This is a photo of him with Kaileigh when she first came to live with us.  Can you see the love?  Because I can.  I have seen it every minute of the last 9 years when they looked at each other.  God called him home on this past Tuesday.  The world will never be the same.

This man loved my children so well.  Hunter was his step-grandson, but he never made a difference between Hunter and the other kids.  He would get onto him just as quick as the rest of them but he also loved him just as much.  He was at every ballgame, school event or anything I can think of for Hunter up until David and I divorced in 2008 - rain or shine, Granddad was there - even if the rest of us wimped out or were exhausted by the thought of one more whatever, Granddad was there.

By the time David & I decided to do foster care, we were nervous about telling his family.  His one sister is about the least supportive person anyone has ever dealt with in the history of the world and could find negativity in a miracle, so we were NOT excited about telling them.  We were taking a family vacation when we decided to announce it, at least to his parents.  I will never forget his dad's support.  I cannot remember his exact words, but his sentiment and feelings on the subject were clear - it was basically "I am your dad and I am in your corner 100% - do what makes you happy and holy and I'll be here to hold the babies."

And hold those babies, he did.  Every child who came into my home - young or old, black or white, happy or angry - they all were adored by Granddad and the feeling was mutual.



He was the best granddad my kids could have asked for.  He was a phenomenal father in law and I know he was a wonderful father to David.  If you have ever lived in Ashville Alabama, you know he was THE go to man for maintenance, grass-cutting, thermostat-settings and life lessons like "Tables are for eating, not for sitting."

He was a hands-on kind of guy. He was not afraid to get his hands dirty or to get in the floor with the kids. He even tried to teach Kaileigh to crawl:



He had a brain bleed or an aneurysm or stroke (I don't think the doctors ever decided which) in 2009 and he was never the same.  He had memory issues and couldn't really work as well anymore.  But it did not stop the love he had for his wife and children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

But in my mind's eye, whenever I think of my father-in-law, I will see this photo which so describes the relationship he had with us all......



It reminds me of the relationship we have with Christ.  See that look of pure joy on my baby's face.  She knew her "Dad-dad" (as she called him when she was a baby) was going to let her do her thing, go merrily on her way - give us our own freewill and choice.  He was right beside her, leaning down, whispering in her ear - encouraging her, correcting her, and loving her.  He was close enough to pick her up if she fell or to support her if she needed it.

I hope that our family honored him this week and I know we will see him again someday in Heaven.

If you want to see more photos (including some of David as a baby with his Daddy), you can check out the video tribute the funeral home did for us - for a few more weeks anyway:
William Lawton Kendrick

We're Alive

Moving, Christmas, the flu, and selling Girl Scout Cookies have had me down for the count..... literally.....

No time to do anything - especially anything just for me.....

But we are doing great.  I am setting boundaries with the people I need to and making sure those are not crossed.....  We are having homecooked meals almost every day....  And I am keeping up with most of the housework - well, not laundry.  I hate laundry.  If I were not so modest, I would seriously join a nudist colony just to cut down on the laundry.

OH and we got a dog - Zeta - she is awesome except even though we rescued a 1 year old dog instead of getting a cute little puppy, umm, it is still like having an infant in the house.....  You do know I am TOO OLD to have an infant, right???????  It has been an adjustment.

David's sisters acted the fool at the hospital when his dad had a pacemaker put in.  I mean, seriously, people, if you cannot act right when you father is having surgery, there is something seriously wrong with you!!!!!!  One was worse than the other, but that is par for the course.  I should be thankful, though, bc as soon as we walked out of the hospital, David said "So that is how she always acted? I never really paid attention before."  LOL

The biggest thing we need right now is a church home.  David works every weekend.  All of the worship services during the week seem to be prayer services or Celebrate Recovery.  We want a service that we can attend as a family.....  Our old church used to do a Saturday night service and a few other churches in the area did, but I cannot find a single one that does anymore....

See you soon - or in another 4 months, sometimes it is hard to tell around here.......

Playing Catch Up

Lots of craziness going on at the Kendrick house lately.....

Kaileigh joined girl scouts which gives her & I something fun to do, but it is going to involve a LOT of time and energy.  Hope we are up to it.

Hunter is overwhelmed by the amount of homework his AP classes are generating (and that means **I** am overwhelmed by his attitude at times).

My parents have totally flipped their ever-loving lids and I am trying to decide how to deal with that.  I am usually pretty quick to remove toxic people from my life, but these are my PARENTS, so that feels like it is not an option.  Ugh - that is a topic to tackle later (I feel like Scarlett "I won't think of this now.  I'll think about it tomorrow")

I have discovered Pinterest and that is an OVERWHELMING time-suck.  But I have a ton of ideas for the new house.

Oh yeah, David and I are buying a house....

And he hates Pinterest with a passion.  LOL  Just because I have gotten some AWESOME ideas for him US to build, make, create, buy, etc.....

I have spent the last month cleaning out closets and cabinets and furniture, etc.  I am taking it VERY slowly and doing a little every day, except I got off track and did nothing but play on Pinterest for like 2 weeks.... so then the realtor called Thursday and told me that the mortgage broker had told her we could have a closing date as early as THIS Friday.... about 3 weeks earlier than we expected and I went into full-blown panic mode....

I am calm now - sort of....

I did have a mini-panic attack in Home Depot Friday trying to decide between brushed nickel and oil-rubbed bronze fixtures.... The bronze will blend better with our front door and has kind of an old world feel - the brushed nickel will clash with the front door, but kind of blend with everything else and has a more modern feel.  Basically David told me I had to choose between the two.  Hey, I prefer an eclectic mish-mosh, but he is apparently not a fan of that.

I am going to TRY to update more often and include less about my crazy-ass  family and more about our progress as we move, organize and decorate....

Here are a few pictures to show you what I am dealing with here (these are the MLS photos, but the ones of the BEAUTIFUL roses are on my phone - across the room and I am all comfy in my bed, so this is what I can access quickly - lol).

This is the front (duh) - the shutters, the downspout, the motion sensing light, the weird electrical box on the front of the converted garage, the "porch" light an the planter all need some love - some TOUGH love in some cases......

 

This is the back yard/patio area.  I may have forgotten to mention that this guy was a FREAK.....  He had not 1, not 2, not even 3, but 4 (FOUR) satellite dishes in the backyard.  (Have not found a Pinterest pin showing any decorative use for them, so they will HAVE TO GO!!!!!)  He also had a chicken coop or a shooting house or something beyond the privacy fence, electric fence all along the top of the privacy fence, motion sensing lights EVERY WHERE, and 3 pole mounted video surveillance cameras in the tiny back yard.....  We think he may have been supplementing his income by selling medicinal herbs of the illegal variety... but we are just guessing.

Presence vs Presents......

A really crappy dad I know wrote this as his facebook status recently.....“Your children need your presence more than your presents.” ~Jesse Jackson"

And while I agree with the sentiment, it really started me thinking - because I know what kind of dad he is - he is not present nor does he give many presents to his child.  As a matter of fact, he never spends his parenting time with his daughter, his parents and sister and brother buy the child's clothing, and his parents have always provided the child's Christmas, while his sister-in-law has always done the Easter baskets, etc. 

So I was fuming about this and discussed it with David.  And he applied it to relationships as well.  And that is true - friends, children, parents, spouses, etc - we all need your presence more than your presents, but it is so much fun to get presents!  lol 

Anyway, we talked about how little time we spend together.  That is not getting better since he has started his new job, it has gotten worse..... but we have a plan.  And his new job will actually help with that since he will have 2-4 days off in the middle of the week while the kids are at school once he finishes his training. :)  We can have a "date night" in the afternoon every week - instead of the once a month or rare once in a blue moon like a lot of couples seem to have.  It starts today, so we'll see how it goes!

Also, David has been buying me gifts..... you have to understand that during our entire courtship/marriage, he was a TERRIBLE gift buyer.  Seriously terrible..... I know that may sound ungrateful or something, but seriously bad.... 

He did buy a few pieces of jewelry that I loved, but once he caught on that I liked those, he bought the same ring and pendant in EVERY stone available..... it was overwhelming and repetitive.  It reminds me of the conversation I had with my sister-in-law about how many bottles of Stetson and Alabama T-shirts I could really buy for my dad before I slit my wrists......  anyway......

So, David has been buying me gifts - big gifts......

He bought me a laptop. :)  Woot!  I needed a new one and was not wanting to spend the money.... then I stuck my thumb through the screen of my beautiful pink laptop ......So he bought me a new one and had it delivered to me directly......

Then he bought me a new Kindle <3  It just came yesterday and I love it!!!  I had one, but it was Wifi only.  This is the 3G one and has "Special Offers" aka COUPONS!!!!  LOL  So, he is getting better.....



And then 2 weeks ago, he bought this......

 

It looks suspiciously like an engagement ring and I suspect that that is what he intended.  BUT I am not ready to decide anything right now, so we have avoided calling it anything.....  It means simply means that he is getting better with the gift buying :)

School Has Started with a VENGEANCE

I cannot even hear myself think.....


I was so ready for school to start, but I forgot that meant I would be.....

... getting up at the buttcrack of dawn
... chasing down backpacks, lunchboxes, left shoes and all that stuff that I thought I had gotten together the night before
... dealing with the idiot patrol at morning drop-off
... dealing with rude jerkfaces who obviously cannot read in afternoon pick up
... volunteering
... helping with homework
... taking forgotten items to school
... getting to know the new assistant principal at the high school
... paying a zillion dollars in fees
... chasing down non-existent items on school supply lists
... did I mention getting up at the buttcrack of dawn??????

So for now, let's just say 10 down, 170 to go...............

And Then the Other Shoe Fell.......

Well.................

David's mother finally responded to his e-mail.  It was not as bad as he was afraid of.  But it was not awesome either.

She has "no idea" what on earth she could have ever done to hurt anyone's feelings.......

And she has known about his drug use since he was a teenager.  The stealing and lying, she claims to have known for his whole life.

She says she is happy for us to reconcile but who knows how she really feels, so that is good and I will try my darnedest to focus on the positive.......

But.......

She wrote "I did not feel it was my place to address these faults of yours."

Ok - I am sorry, but I have a 16 year old...... if I knew he was lying, stealing or using drugs, you can bet your bottom dollar it would be MY place to at least discuss it with him.

What kind of mother continues to give large amounts of money to a teenager, young adult and later a family man that she KNOWS has a drug problem????????

What kind of mother knows that her teenager is using drugs, alcohol, lying and stealing and does not at least say "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING??????????"

Really???????

Her solution was to pretend it was not happening and to pray that he would see the light.

He has.

Unfortunately, it came after 27 years, 2 failed marriages and one child's broken heart........

I was initially angry that she was holding a grudge about me yelling at her to stop feeding Kaileigh milk products 7 years ago and for continually reminding everyone she ever met that she has 3 "REAL" grandchildren and an "Adopted" grandchild - always whispered, like I remember people whispering the word cancer when I was growing up, like it is shameful and catching.......
And for treating me like crap.  And for treating Hunter and Kaileigh differently than her other grandchildren.

I really have been angry for a long time about all of that............

But now, now, I am LIVID for the devastation her "love of her son" caused in his life, in my life, in my children's lives........

At least before, I could pretend that she had no clue..........now, I know she is just a sucky human being.

Family - Can't Live With 'Em, Can't Push 'Em Off a Cliff (Can we???)

Wow - long time, no update.  We are puttering along.......

David finally finished AND sent the email to his family that he has been working on for months.  It has been over a year since the therapist recommended he write it.  He sent it yesterday and it has stirred up quite a bit of nastiness over there.

Just the breakdown - David took responsibility for his actions for his whole life - the lies, the booze, the drugs, the abuse, the women - all of it.  This sucker was about 4 pages long.  In one TINY paragraph, he says this:

I did not stand up for Christy when we were married.  I allowed way too much family of origin influence over us.  I also put my relationships with you above my relationships with Christy and our children.  I always put your feelings above theirs.   I could sit here and list a million hurts that you have heaped upon Christy, Hunter, Kaileigh and other children we had in our home, but I won’t.  You know what you have done.  I know what you have done.  God knows what you have done.  I love you and I forgive you, but just know that it will no longer be tolerated. 

Guess which part his crazy sister has fixated on???????

Yep - you guessed it - those few sentences above.

  

Now, I am a manipulative, controlling, evil, brainwashing. venom-spewing bitch.  And let's not forget how I caused her now dead husband's cancer (yes, that is the way SHE refers to him "my dead husband" - creepy).  

Oh and the fact that when he responded to her crazy rant, and said this:

Your behavior is a large part of why Christy chose not to spend a great deal of time with our family.  And we argued about that often while we were married.  I was not supportive of her.  I see now that that was destructive.  I chose to ignore things that hurt my family so that I did not have to confront the truth about myself.  

THAT said to her that he is transferring all the blame for his drug use to her.  WTH?????? 

I have a friend who says she has started saying random crap like "I wear pickles" or "I have an umbrella" when people say crazy crap to her, but I would be afraid they would think that was like totally normal.......

I am proud of David - he has responded appropriately each time and now that she has rapidly digressed to the point of delusional, he has given up.  He is upset, but not destroyed.  He is not blaming me (which is a HUGE first).

So here is MY response that I will probably never send....

Wow.  I want to first apologize for giving Ken cancer.  I am really not sure how I did it and I want to harness that power, so could you explain it to me in human terms or doctor terms or in any terms.  Because if I can give people cancer at will, I am so totally doing that.  You'll probably be first, but hey, you won't mind, right?

Now, onto the rest of it.  You're right.  I am an evil controlling bitch because I would not let your mother feed my deathly allergic, medically fragile child milk products when she was 6 months old.  Next time, I will let her kill my kid so as not to hurt her feelings.  Thank you for pointing that out to me.  I will also let her call her Katelynn and write her name as Katelynn for the rest of Kaileigh's life - heck, maybe we should just change Kaileigh's name and identity since no one seems to "remember" it anyway.

Oh and you are right.  Kaileigh is fake.  She is made of latex - I thought she looked pretty lifelike when I bought her, though.......  And honestly, you are right about the fact that she is not a "real" Kendrick, too.  She is too sweet, kind and beautiful to be related to the lot of you.

And you are also right, I do brainwash my kids into saying things like "please", "thank you", "ma'am" and "sir."  You should probably call DHR.  Especially since I have taught them how to have a conversation with adults instead of grunting, pointing and cursing.  

Again, you are right (wow - you are on a roll)...... my children are spoiled with love, and unappreciative of anyone who calls them trolls.  They are just funny that way.  Not sure why they don't like it.  I love it when you call me a bitch.  I'll have the kids work on that.

And as for the venom-spewing, oh, honey.  That is all you.  But I should keep my mouth shut, really.  I know that.  I know before I open my mouth to shut you up that it will not go well.  But here is the thing.  I will NEVER allow you to abuse, debase or ridicule me, my children or your brother again.  If you don't like the fact that I stand up to you, tough.  Because I will protect my family with my life.  I am sorry that you have no soul and you think it is OK to treat people like crap, but it is not. 

And as for knowing that your brother had a drug problem and still giving him money.  THAT is the definition of enabling.  You enabled him when his therapist and I had him on a plan that included him having access to no money.  We could possibly have not had to go through this whole painful divorce, hitting rock bottom and trying to drag himself out of it alone since apparently you and your family are "done with him" if he chooses to do the right thing by his wife and his daughter if you would have just DONE WHAT WE ALL ASKED YOU TO DO.  But no, you want everyone to be as miserable as you are.  And I don't know that I can EVER forgive you for enabling his addiction.  Ever.

I know you hate me.  You have made that clear over the years.  I know you do not care in the least about me and our children.  But I thought you loved your brother.  You could at least be civil.  It would not kill you, nor would it kill you to teach your children to be civil.  I assure you, I will not be around much since David and I agree that it is not healthy for me and the kids to be exposed to such toxicity.

I love David very much.  Whatever else you think of me, you know that is true.  I cannot stand to see him hurting like he is over this.  Yes, he and I have issues.  No, they are not all his fault.  Yes, we are working on those.  No, they are none of your business. Do not be stubbornly refusing to support him in his recovery because you do not approve of his relationship with me and our kids.   Especially since there are no guarantees in this life.

By Request - a Story About Hunter, Hunter, Hunter........

So, as most of you know, Hunter has been in deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep trouble most of the spring. 

He got suspended in March for calling a girl some pretty nasty names AND for being stupid enough to use the computer in the computer lab at school to do it.  Then in April, he got suspended for getting caught with his MP3 player at school.

The assistant principal at the high school and I are on a first name basis.  And that kind of sucks.  Seriously wanted to fly UNDER the radar at the high school for a while, but whatev.......

Sooooooooooo, one night a couple of weeks ago, I asked Hunter to take out the garbage.  It was already dark, so close to 8 pm.  It took a while and I started to go look for him when I got a text - "Ran into JJ, be home in a few."  Now, we had a female JJ in my high school, but this one happens to be male.....  No problem.

A while later, a woman came to my door with her 5 year old - looking for her babysitter.  Yep, she had come home and her 5 year old was playing outside alone - babysitter nowhere to be found.  No, we had not seen her.  5 year old pipes up "She came over here - I am sure of it."  Neighbor wants to come in and look around (like I have hidden her babysitter from her - lol).  Nope, no Megan.  Duh.

But it got me to thinking.......  I did not think to ask if the babysitter was young or old.  So I texted Hunter - no answer.  I put my shoes on & went outside to ask him & JJ if they knew the babysitter (see I am a little slow sometimes when it comes to my kids).......

Hunter was coming up the walk, so I asked him if he knew Megan or if he had seen her.  Nope, no clue - Megan?  Nope, I don't know anyone named Megan.  THAT should have been my first clue..... there are about a zillion and 3 Megans at his school.......

So he comes inside and we are talking.....and I am looking at him...... and suddenly, I start thinking I am going to hyperventilate.....

So I ask, "Hunter, is JJ gay?" 

He looks at me like I have 3 heads.  So I say "Really, it's cool if he is - I just would really like to know.  I like gay people.  I have friends who are homosexual.  Really, so is JJ gay?"

He says "No, mom" and rolls his eyes.

I ask, "And the only person you saw was JJ?" 

Hunter: "Yes - do I need to put you in the home????" (My grandmother is in assisted living - she has dementia - Hunter often tells me I will be sharing a room with her soon)

I said, "No, but I am confused - if JJ is not gay, why in the world did he put that big ole hickey on your neck?"

Hunter turned 47 shades of red, then dashed to the bathroom to look at his neck.....

I am sure you can all fill in the rest of the story.  Hunter did not, in fact, run into JJ at all.  He did, however, know Megan - apparently a lot better than I want him to know any girl at his age.

It was a proud moment in my life, I tell ya!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am fairly certain that he will be more careful, though, bc his sister and I have enjoyed torturing him quite a bit about it.....

Graduation party the following day - entire family, plus tons of kids from SSHS - Kaileigh announces LOUDLY "My brother has a hickey - that's why he's wearing that shirt with the collar - so you won't see it." 

PRICELESS!!!!!!

I have chosen to ignore David when he says I am paying for my raising.  Let's just all be glad that I am not paying for HIS raising yet.......

Welcome to Holland and the Story of Kaileigh

Another Repost from FB - from 2009 :)



My daughter is sweet, funny, awesome. She is the most empathetic human being I have ever met. She is 5 years old now.

Kaileigh was born to a teenage girl with mental retardation among other issues. It was later discovered that the birth father was also a teenager with mental retardation. Birth mom did not get any prenatal care. Because there was a history of DHR involvement with the family, a caseworker went out on Christmas Day, 2003 to check on the family when Kaileigh was released from the hospital at the age of 3 days. That caseworker visit saved her life.

Kaileigh has multiple heart defects, asthma, an as of yet undiagnosed genetic disorder, and has very slow growth (most likely an endocrine issue - still undiagnosed, though). We see a cardiologist, pulmonologist, endocrinologist & a geneticist fairly regularly even now.

She came to live with us when she was 4 months old - she was so malnourished & tiny - she weighed the exact same weight at almost 5 months when she was released from the hospital as my older son did at birth!!!


We did not know it at the time, but she was sent home with us to die. DHR did not want her to die in the hospital alone. WOW - that was a shock to learn that. We knew she was sick, but apparently, we had our heads in the sand about a lot of it at that time. David quit his job to be home with her.

She is still a big, big Daddy's girl. Her adoption was final almost 3 years to the day after she came to live with us - it was a long, hard, painful road of its own that we will not discuss here.

Suffice it to say that EVERYONE tried to talk us out of the adoption because of the severity of her issues. The only supportive "professionals" were our original worker (Candy <3 ) and the cardiologist - who is, by the way, the BOMB - we <3 him!!!! Yet, amazingly enough, given the severity of her issues, she did not qualify for a medically fragile adoption subsidy - hmmmm...

ANYWHO...

We were told that she would never progress beyond the mental age of 3 - at best. We were told that she would die as a child due to medical issues. We have been told that she would most definitely be mentally retarded. We have been told so many things that are painful to hear as a parent - that are so untrue.

So we spend our days doing therapies instead of ballet and we spend our time with IEP teams instead of sports teams. What's wrong with that?

Kaileigh does have some developmental delays. She has muscular issues which affect her speech. She has gross & fine motor skills issues that affect her handwriting, drawing and her ability to do some tasks that other children her age do with no problems.

She is not diagnosed with mental retardation. In fact, it is just the opposite - she is very, very bright. She does still have health concerns. She always will. There are days when her issues are overwhelming - particularly when written all in one place (like an IEP for example) - but her issues do not define who she is....

When we began this journey, we saw her Bham specialists at least once a month (cardio was twice a month). Now, we see the cardio once a year and the endocrinologist & geneticist twice a year. We have not seen the pulmonologist in years (her ped monitors her asthma). She was doing 6-10 nebulizer treatments a day, year round AND was on oxygen 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Now, we do 2-4 neb treatments a day just as needed.

She is reading!!!!! This is PHENOMENAL!!!! She is so bright. She is so empathetic. She understands family relationships & feelings & emotions like no other 5 year old I have ever known.

Kaileigh loves deeply and whole-heartedly. She feels more. She understands more. She is a hugger - she is a smiler - she is a cuddler......

The essay below describes perfectly the feelings and the emotions that go along with parenting a child with special needs. I am blessed beyond measure by being Kaileigh's mother.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

UPDATE:

Kaileigh is 7. We have been released from private speech therapy, occupational therapy and the endocrinologist. We currently see the cardiologist every 12-18 months and the geneticist once a year. She is repeating 1st grade at my insistence.

So, Someone Asked Me Why I Adopted Kaileigh........

Someone asked me to repost this - it is a note I wrote on FB over a year ago.......


So, Someone Asked Me Why I Adopted Kaileigh........

Out of all the children we fostered, why did we choose to adopt Kaileigh.....

Well, that is a tough question and there are many answers, but I have to say it was a TOTAL GOD THING! Really.....

When I was growing up, I went to a church that volunteered at a Boys Ranch a couple of times a month. I really was touched by that. The boys who told us what a blessing that was in their lives. I also knew a family who were foster parents. They were awesome & it really amazed me the changes that they helped bring about in those children's lives. So I know that even as a child, God was putting it on my heart to foster.

I railed against that. I did not want to do foster care. I argued with God. I just flat out refused.

So, then I had problems maintaining a pregnancy. I had Hunter, but I had been told prior to him and then again after his birth, that I would NEVER carry a child to term. And other than Hunter, I never did. I could get pregnant, but absolutely could not stay pregnant.

My then husband and I prayed about it. I felt so strongly that we were supposed to foster, but I was terrified. We decided to try to adopt. Every single door we tried SLAMMED in our faces - we were too old, too young, too poor, too well-off, too something for every agency...... The local DHR adoptions worker told me that they did not ever have children younger than 10 for adoption. Hunter was 7 - and we did not want to have a child older than him.

We took in various children from my job. I was able to do it & send them back to their families when the situations changed, but I still did not want to do foster care.

So we prayed some more. I finally broached the subject of foster care, but I was still utterly terrified.... We agreed to meet with DHR about it. I told my husband that I absolutely would NOT adopt from foster care. That it was EITHER adoption OR foster care. That that was the ONLY way I would even consider.

I always say the quickest way to get God to laugh is to tell Him what you will or will not do!

So we met with an angel - the foster family worker's name was Candy - and she was AWESOME. They were in the middle of a 10 week class when we finally were able to meet with her. She told me on the phone that we would have to wait until the fall for the next class. Halfway through our meeting, she said "We have a class tomorrow night, I want you to come. We'll catch up on the classes you have missed." So we started at week 5! LOL We did catch up, too - she caught us up in one night later that week.
She told us repeatedly that she felt like she had to hurry to get us licensed. She felt an urgency. We felt an urgency.

We decided to be licensed for boys - ages 3-8. I reminded Candy that we did not want children with major medical issues.

See, God laughs!

We finished our classes on April 29, 2004. We were still not licensed, though - we had some other stuff to finish. On May 5, we went to a Third Day concert. As we were waiting for the concert to start, we talked to a guy behind us who had brought a gaggle of teenaged girls. Turns out, he was a foster parent from our area. He told us about a baby *BOY* in the hospital with major medical problems and that DHR could not find anyone to take. David said "NO. NO WAY - not what we agreed to." I said "I know."

On May 6, Candy called. I knew what she was going to say - she had a 4 1/2 month old *GIRL* with severe heart problems, malnourished, reflux, breathing issues and losing weight..... She even said something almost unforgiveable about the baby's appearance that we will NOT repeat here..... Would we consider meeting the mom & working things through so we could be considered a family placement until they could get us licensed.

I opened my mouth to say "HEY - we talked about this, crazy lady! NO - do you hear me? NO!!!"

But I swear to you, God took over my voice & said "Sure, we will go to the hospital & meet the baby & the mom." I even said "UMM, who said that????" Candy laughed & said "YOU DID!!!!!"

We went to the hospital to meet her. Her birth mother had already left for the night by the time we got there and no one had let the nurse know we were coming. Before we met the baby, I talked to the nurse. Amazingly enough, the nurse I met had had holes in her heart repaired when she was a child, so she knew that part of it. And it reassured me to see her all grown up! :)

When we walked in the door to meet this little girl her birth mom had named Kaylie, she was hooked up to a dozen or more wires & tubes. She was this tiny little thing - she was all BIG brown eyes & wild hair. She smiled when she saw us and she reached for me. That was it; I knew I was in trouble then.

There were so many little things that made me think this was of God. Some I will share & some I will not.

A friend told me several times when I doubted myself that God had a purpose for her being in my home - whether for a day or a year or a lifetime. That kept me going day by day.

My dear sweet Ma-Maw was in the hospital when Kaileigh was placed with us & never got to meet her or hold her as she passed away in May of 2004. She told me "Christy, love that baby - just love her - don't worry about what happens later - God will take care of it all."

During Kaileigh's heart surgery when she was 9 months old, she had too much swelling and they had to leave her chest open overnight. I was devastated, but there were at least 5 families in the waiting room of UAB hospital who told me stories about their family members who had had a similar issue and were fine.

The surgeon prayed with me before & after her surgery.

Our pastor came with us & when I was telling Kaileigh's birth mother, I stayed very strong & when she walked off, Byron said to me basically - *you* are this child's mother, you are allowed to break down!

Kaileigh's birth mother offered to voluntarily surrender her rights if she could be assured that we would adopt. DHR refused, but just the fact that she offered was awesome.

The judge who heard Kaileigh's termination of parental rights case ruled on the TPR from the bench the day of the trial. He had NEVER done that in any case ever before (nor has he done it since). As a matter of fact, we were told when we found out he had the case that we would NEVER get TPR at all.

There were some complications with DHR later and I did have to contact the State Commissioner & threaten to call the Governor's office in order to get Kaileigh's adoption completed, but those were issues unrelated to Kaileigh's case & should never have affected it anyway.

Candy has told me many times that she felt that urgency to get us licensed in order to place Kaileigh in our home. I am so glad daily that God overtook my voice & said yes.


So to get back to the original question.... why did I choose to adopt Kaileigh out of all the children we fostered?

Because Kaileigh was the child God chose for me to raise.
Because Kaileigh is the child that God entrusted to me.
Because Kaileigh was, is and always will be my daughter.

The Last 3 Months in Review

So I have totally been neglecting my blog, but sometimes life happens......

I've been very gripey lately, so not really in the sharing mood.

So for the last 3 months, I have been dealing with:

The IRS - who does NOT want to give me my $$$$ - I have resent my paperwork at least 3 times. I am beginning to think the auditor who has my file cannot read. Or maybe I need a job like that - where I can just continually send letters to people to send me stuff, which I either a) lose, b) burn/shred/destroy, or c) totally cannot comprehend so I make them do it again.......

The SSA - who also does NOT want to give my CHILD her money. Come on people. If she did not qualify, would I really go through the freaking red tape every single flipping year - this year has been the longest, though - they are still working on the "recertification" 5 months after it started. She had a new worker this year (surprise - not - we have a new one every 2-3 months, it seems) and she claims I did not report child support last year, so now they are going back to the time of my divorce in 2008 to recertify all of those months..... who knows when they will make a decision, but at least for now, we still have Kaileigh's health insurance intact. Oh and she qualifies for adoption subsidy through the state, but SSA would have to state that she does not qualify for SSI (no double dipping - lol) and they won't do that - so we are stuck in limbo.......

My job - this was actually the easiest - I quit. I feel better - mostly. I am still exhausted, but that is to be expected. My stress level is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay lower, though, so that's good. More time to spend with the kiddos.

My boy-child - Hunter turned 16 and got suspended AGAIN all in the same week, so that was awesome. NOT. He was grounded for a month & got his license and his BRAND NEW (to him anyway) Car - which has a 30+ gallon tank and gets like 8 miles to the gallon. Yay, DA #1. Again - NOT. It has not been so bad so far. I still get nervous, but he has been good about calling, texting and actually coming home when I expect him, so we may survive this one.

My girl-child - WOWZERS - the end of the school year hit her hard. She was released from private speech therapy & private occupational therapy, so YAY - but losing that from her routine sent her into a behavioral tailspin. We are leveling out now, thank goodness, bc really, I cannot handle child abuse......

My doctor's office - who cannot figure out how to apply a CHECK payment to an account...... I pay with a check every time I go in there. EVERY TIME - except once in April I paid cash - they have the cash payment (amazing enough since I do NOT have a receipt for it), but NONE of the check payments have applied to my account..... and the woman who "does that" is out of the office E V E R Y time I call....... YAY - NOT! And since I have been going every 2 weeks, this is a SERIOUS issue :(

New Apartment Manager - I live in an apartment whose owners are apparently fruitcakes..... Anyway, the owners decided to consolidate their properties that are side by side under the same management company instead of 2 separate management companies (why they did not do that sooner, I am not sure, but hey - whatever floats your boat). So our old apartment manager got the boot. Boooooo. The new one has these crazy-crazy-crazy office hours and took out the rent payment box, so you have to GO IN during office hours and have like a 47 hour conversation with her in order to pay the freaking rent. Yeah. I'm not loving that. AND she has changed the dates for everything. AND she sent me a notice TODAY that I need to renew my lease by the end of the week. OK - 2 issues with that. 1) My lease is not up until August and 2) YOU WILL NOT BE IN THE STUPID OFFICE THE REST OF THE WEEK, CRAZY LADY. OK - I feel better just for screaming.....

Paypal - Ugh - repeated fraudulent transactions..... Finally got all my money back, changed all my passwords but it was a pain in the behind...... OH and all the fraudulent charges came from a company that I had never heard of, but after doing a LOT of research - yeah - it is a company OWNED by Ebay - who owns Paypal. Hmmmmmmmmm - yeah. Not a happy camper over that one.

Exhaustion - mind-numbing, cannot get out of bed, devastating exhaustion........ Not sure what else to say about that. We are working on it.

And finally, I am working so hard on forgiveness. Man, this is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. David & I are still chugging along. Still have not told our families that we are discussing it much less going to counseling and all that jazz.

He has been super-helpful with the kids and here almost every afternoon to take them to the pool or to help with whatever I need help with. He is even staying with a friend in town to be closer - which helps my feelings about his family's influence over him.

BUT...... yes, there is always a but.......

It is HARD.

Probably harder than it should be because I am concerned about what people who have been through the fire with me will say. Yep, I admit it - I am an approval-seeking people pleaser. (You probably did not think of me that way, now, did you?).....

So what do you say to people who know that your husband/boyfriend/significant other has been a scumbag (yes, he will read this - yes, he knows he was a scumbag - no, you don't need to tell him) and that you are giving him yet another chance (maybe his millionth or brazillianth - small private joke there - hope you laughed after I called you a scumbag) to make things work?????

< crickets chirping >


Yeah - that's what I thought and that's why I have told VERY, VERY, VERY few people in real life. Just my friend Amy - who thinks it is a bad idea - probably only bc she did remarry her ex-husband :) and you guys...... and there are very few of you. And mostly, you don't judge or tell me you think I am stupid....... And I love you for that.

The BIGGEST issue we still have is the trust thing. Trust is HUGE for me. I am fairly certain it started with my very first boyfriend way back in kindergarten - he kissed me in the car rider waiting area........ and then I found out that he kissed another girl the VERY NEXT day......... I had a boyfriend in high school (well, I was in high school - he was in college) who called me up to dump me bc he had decided TO MARRY THE GIRL HE WAS DATING in Nashville. Yay you! NOT. Then another boyfriend in high school/college who slept with my best friend AND his college adviser. Yeah - that was a fun conversation to have. I have a very, very, very long history of boys/men that I trust hurting me.......

So, maybe that is part of why David's betrayal hurt so badly. Or maybe it was knowing that it had gone on so long. Or remembering all the times that he was unavailable to me and the kids bc he was busy texting, talking, IMing, emailing or video-chatting with the B*&^h (yeah, I know that is not nice, but I really do not care at this point). So I am struggling just a smidge with trusting that he will not start that up again.

The rest of it, we have been working on and working through. He has changed a lot - whenever he gets close to crossing a line, I will say "I see the old you" and usually that snaps him right back, but not always. We get stuck somewhat on his family. OMG - they are HORRID!!!!!!!! But they are his family and he loves them. I love them for giving him life. I despise everything they have done to him since, though!!!!!!!

It all boils down to this: I have to do what I feel is best for my children. Hunter likes David - they get along much better now and he listens to David, sometimes better than he listens to me. Kaileigh adores her daddy. Our house flows more smoothly on the days when he is here. That was NOT always the case!!!!! I want to show my children that people can change their behavior and be forgiven. They need to see that - they need to know that. And they need to see an example of a loving relationship - not a perfect one - but a loving, happy one.

We are working on it..........

Better Late than Never......

I realized that I have not been updating my blog at all.....

So, I wanted a happy post.....

Here is my bedroom BEFORE: Well, before new furniture, after old furniture was removed :)

This is my AWESOME HUGE furniture....... Please remember when you shop for furniture that the measuring tape is your friend...... REALLY!!!!!

And my awesome zebra chair - where Kaileigh & I dry her hair & talk about our day :)

Happy Valentine's Day to ME.......

I have wanted a new bedroom suit for, well, pretty much forever.......

I have been using pieces from random suits or hand-built pieces for the last 12 years - before that, we used George's childhood suit (very mannish & PERFECT for Hunter, where it is now.....)....... So since 1993, when I got married the first time, I have not had what I want.....

Soooooooooooo........

I totally blew the budget I had set for myself, but I bought this:

I love, love, love, love, love it.......

I also ordered a new mattress - an adjustable set with heat & massage in it. I am hoping that then I will be able to sleep in the bed instead of on the couch or sitting straight up in a hardback chair like I do so often bc of back pain.

And finally, I decided to change my bedding... I have had a black & white bedroom as long as I can remember - well, maybe not *that* long, but at least for 3-4 years.....
I bought this:

I am so excited to get it all put together.......

Kaileigh is also getting a new bed to go with all her white furniture - she is also getting my wardrobe & desk..... :) She has new bedding from last spring, so she will continue to use it & we will add some pretty curtains to the canopy bed

Poor Hunter only got new bedding.....since he has a 50+ year old bedroom suit that his grandparents had when they first got married .....

David gave me a new purse and bought me tulips (my favorite flower), but we really don't "do" Valentine's Day - especially this year when I am still kind of bitter & angry with him..... We did spend the evening talking and walking after we grabbed a quick bite to eat.

PS - BBQ joints are completely dead on Valentine's Day if you ever need a place to grab a quick bite on the busiest restaurant day of the year.....

Just Checking In

Things are going ok - I guess that is the best and the worst that I can say at this point.

We have finally gotten rid of the super-stalker I think. We have not heard from her in over a week - via phone or email - although I did get 3 calls from a restricted number between 2 & 3 am last weekend. She has also still not updated her blog where I responded to her posts.....I know that they are having some issues at their church - part of me hopes it is in relation to this situation and part of me hopes it is not..... Really, I am pretty vindictive, I guess & maybe I am turning into a super-stalker myself..... just making sure she stays far, far, far away from us.

David has been very helpful around the house as he has been here almost every day. I hate to get used to his help & then him disappear, of course.

There is a lot more I could say, but it is all the same. I am not ready to trust him at all, but I am allowing him to try to prove himself to me.

Baby steps....... baby steps.......

Proceed With Caution

I have been too open about my struggles with David. I have been too honest about our issues.

Really.

I have not told very many people that I am even considering it. The ones I have told have not been very enthusiastic. There was one "Oh NO you don't - NOT AGAIN" and a few other choice words from another person.....

But you know, that is the way it is sometimes.

So who do I listen to..... whose opinion really matters?

I don't know what God's will is in this situation. I have prayed and prayed for the last 11 years about this man.... specific to marriage. (I have prayed for him for 25 years, if truth be told). I seem to get conflicting answers. This time, I am getting stony silence from God, it seems.

I am choosing to CAUTIOUSLY .......and I cannot stress that word enough...... move forward with allowing David to heal the hurts he has heaped on me (say that 5 times fast).....

He has been very patient and very understanding so far. So far also being a key phrase since it has been a very, very short time......

He has taken it upon himself to read the book my homegroup is currently reading. We are also working through a marriage study that we started several years ago, but never finished - well, I finished reading it - he gave up after the 2nd chapter way back when..... He says he is still undecided about the whole "agnostic thing" which drives me nuts, but he has had so many years of playing at church, I would rather him be honest now than to pretend to be something he is not.

He does not realize that I know it, but he is also reading through The Love Dare and working on the dares. Not sure whether to be flattered that he wants to or insulted that he needs to ..... but I am glad he is making the effort.



We are still getting phone calls from his *super* stalker...... so David offered to change his phone number and he has....... He also bought us both new phones and is paying the bill for all 3 (mine, his & Hunter's).

I am so tempted to contact her bishop, since she & her husband were more concerned with losing their jobs if their church should find out than with the actual issues..... She is a MINISTER for crying out loud - should the sin not be her concern??????? Or her husband's for that matter?????? He is also a minister.

It reminds me that people put on whatever facade they want you to see..... and reminds me once again to proceed with caution......

Anger - Probably Misplaced, but Anger Nonetheless....

OK - so I am going to be very, very candid here - more honest & more candid than I have ever been.....

When David & I were first married, I found a chat on our computer that was very sexual in nature - with a woman he said he met online in a *Christian chatroom*..... So, I asked him to stop communicating with her. He said he did. I saw the email he sent her to cut it off.

But about 3 years later, (when Kaileigh was an infant) I found out that he was erasing the history on our shared computer every time he used it - I installed a keylogger on the computer and presented him with the evidence of more very sexual chats with this same woman. But in those chats, she had referenced contacting him just a few weeks before, so.... I was fairly certain that they had not been in contact the entire time.

This woman lived in another state. She was a minister of a church along with her husband.

I never saw any more evidence of conversations with her, but pretty soon afterwards, David bought us each laptops..... and I found out about a year later, he had installed a shredder program on his to shred all of his history.

By that point, though, I was fully immersed in the kids and David's mental illness was coming to the surface, so him having a cyber-sex relationship with some tramp was the last concern I had. I really could not have cared less at that point. I just wanted him to be healthy and my kids to be safe and protected from their birth families.

We divorced in 2008. We have tried to reconcile an untold number of times in the last 2 years. I just absolutely do not believe in divorce. I just don't. Yes, I know it exists and I know that I have been divorced before, but I just do not believe that it is in God's plan......

We were going through a ministry (which is an awesome ministry, by the way) in the summer/fall and things were actually going pretty well. He took responsibility for his junk, I took responsibility for my junk. We were working together for once :)
Then....

He lost his job....

He went into a deep depression and I went into panic mode. Typical behavior for us in a crisis. I wanted to fix it. He wanted to pretend it had not happened. I gave him job leads and edited his resume. He yelled and screamed and withdrew. So he had to stop being around me & the kids. I would not let him anymore.

Then I found out he had stolen a bottle of a controlled substance (Lortab) from me and *I* lost it. I flipped out. I told him what a low-life I really thought he was. I said every single thing that I had wanted to say since he had abandoned his family. I used some very colorful language - a *lot* of the "f" word if you want to know the truth.....

I refused to talk to him. I refused to see him. I was done. I called his mother & she said he had told her all about it and how I had overreacted. So I knew I had no backup from her. I contacted my attorney who told me I could not use it in family court unless I pressed criminal charges. She urged me to press criminal charges. I probably should have.

Less than 3 weeks later, he told me that he had been in contact with this old "friend" and that it was getting pretty serious - he wanted to know if I would let him take Kaileigh with him when he moved out of state to be with her.

I flipped out. AGAIN. I did not scream or cuss or cry this time - I just went into panic mode. I called my attorney - she laughed and reminded me that I had nothing to worry about. There was no way a judge would allow her to move out of state with her dad. Whew.....

Then he changed his mind..... he wanted to reconcile......

I was not enthused about that at all. I was still angry and raw about all that I had recently learned.

He started trying to spend more time around, but was still super-protective of his cell phone. So that made me want to get my hands on that phone..... even more than I already did.....

He promised that he was done with her - no contact - and he told me he would give me all his passwords (email, verizon to check phone usage, skype, etc) if I would just give him a chance. Sooooooo, I thought about it...... and I told him I would think about it.

Then a couple of days later, I had an opportunity to get my hands on that cell phone...... When I picked it up, I really hesitated bc I knew that what was on it had the potential to hurt me more than him. And it did.

This time, the messages were not sexual at all - they were flirty, they were sweet, they were all romance & love..... He wrote "I love you more than the stars & the moon" which is something he had always said to me. So I was done.

I went to where he was, handed him his phone and told him to go and not ever come back. I was calm. He begged me not to kick him out, but I did. I was resolute about it.

He called and begged. He came to the door and just talked to me through the door since I would not open it for him. I finally let him in to keep the neighbors from calling the cops.

He gave me all of his passwords. He sent her a text and an e-mail telling her he was done before he knew whether or not I would even consider it. He blocked her from IM, Skype & Facebook. He actually deleted every female friend he had on FB & in his contacts in his phone.

I told him I wanted no part of it. And I did not.

But I used those passwords - LOL

And I realized something.....

She was continuing to contact him. And he was not responding. And he told me about every single contact and asked me to help him make it stop.

So I did. I contacted her & told her to stop as well.

She continued. Even going so far as to create new identities on FB, Yahoo, Skype & to call from numbers that we had not blocked.....

Every time she contacted him, he would tell me, but ignore her and would ask me to make it stop.....

I realized this was new. He would never have told me anything before. He would never have asked for help before.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo...................

What does this have to do with anger, you may ask.....

Well, this past weekend, I was looking for contact information for her husband (who, by the way she is still married to, living with and ministering with - as in they are pastors of a church together) and I ran across her blog......

Her blog detailing how in love with God she is. How awesome it is to serve God. How fabulous her marriage is.

PUKE.....

I mean, really?????

You have spent the last 2 months - well, 15 years (on & off) and 2 months having a cyber sex relationship with the same man - through 2 of his marriages - and you will not let him go, but you are blogging about how adultery is sin and how you are so above that....... and never would you consider it.......

It sure sounded like you did more than consider it.......

And she will NOT stop contacting David.....

But the funniest thing is that I contacted her husband...... who said "If anyone finds out, we will lose our church." Really, really - THAT is your concern???????

So a few hours later, he sent me a carefully worded email to let me know that she had come clean about everything and that David was a predator, Christa is perfectly innocent in all of this - she was vulnerable and things got out of hand & since she knew David was unstable, she did not want to hurt his feelings.......

Umm, OK. First of all - David is too lazy to be predatory. Secondly, I READ the messages......... AND all of the contacts she has made since he has asked, told and ordered her to leave him alone.......

But at least he said he would block David's phone numbers from all phones she has access to. And he installed key loggers on all computers she has access to. So maybe, just maybe we can get some peace to decide if we even want to work on this.....

New Year - New Beginnings

I never make New Year's Resolutions. Not really. I always have a list of things to work on, but none are usually tied to the New Year.

My current list is kind of short..... not because I have completed anything on my previous lists, but because I realized a lot of that stuff was not really important.....

Currently, I am working on forgiveness - forgiving other people for being human, for making mistakes, for hurting me.
I am working on being a better mommy - helping my kids become human, letting them make their own mistakes, not saying "I told you so" nearly so often, guiding them instead of telling them what to do.

I realized as I was working through my list that a lot of this revolved around my expectations of others & the way I want everyone to be perfect all the time - including myself. If I cannot be perfect, why bother? That has always been my attitude.

If I cannot be a perfect size 2, why bother watching what I eat? I'll never have the "perfect" body - so I might as well be fat.
If I cannot do something perfectly, why bother trying?

If someone else is not perfect, I write them off..... I gripe, I nag, I push, I really don't mean to do this - I don't realize I do it.....

So in 2011, I give myself permission to make mistakes, I give others permission to make mistakes.

It's a Bouncing Baby GIRL this time..............

7 years ago today, I don't know what I was doing. But somewhere across town here in a hospital, a baby was being born.

These pictures are from the 2nd & 3rd days we ever met her, and then one from just 2 short months later on her first trip to the beach.



Today, that "baby" woke me at 3 am to ask me if she was 7 years old yet. And then she asked me where her presents were.

She is my daughter in ways that I never imagined when we talked about adoption. She is such a little mini-me in so many ways.

She is the most precious gift God has ever given me. She has taught me so much about life, about death and about living for the moment. We have always known she may not live to be an adult and often we have been told she may not live another day or another hour. God performs miracles every day and now when we see those same specialists, they shake their heads and admit that she actually might *gasp* live.......... It is awesome.

10 Years Ago Today

On December 21, 2000, I woke up knowing that my marriage was over and that we were finally going to actually file for divorce.

I woke George and told him.

He was not happy about it and tried to talk me out of it, but I was 28 years old and stubborn. I had had enough.

We decided to wait until after the holidays to tell anyone. He later said that that was because he was sure it was just the stress of the holidays, just another argument - we had been doing this song and dance for a long time - and that I would change my mind.

I didn't.


I don't talk much about my marriage to George. Probably because I am ashamed of the way I treated him. I was not abusive or angry or anything like that - just I had no respect for him and he knew that.

I do now. It has to be hard to raise your only child from the outside. Part of that has been his decision - he chose to disconnect from Hunter many years ago. He is trying harder now to be more involved and to be a good father.


I sometimes regret the decision to divorce George honestly. But mostly because I wish I could have given Hunter a different childhood.

Then I remember that I would not be Kaileigh's mommy if I had not divorced George. He would not agree to have any more children at all - much less adopt a child.

And that is what reminds me that it was the right decision.

Jeremy Camp - Walk By Faith

I may be broken, but God will heal me. God will heal my brokenness.